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After hearing her father's death, a transfer student must conquer the temptations of a secret fraternity, before its ancient founder possesses her mind and body.
Agreed with the Richiev's comments I would add though that "...must conquer the temptations of a secret fraternity," is not a clear description of the action the MC will take. I can't imagine what conquering temptations look like. Also the stakes don't seem to be high enough being possessed isn't asRead more
Agreed with the Richiev’s comments I would add though that “…must conquer the temptations of a secret fraternity,” is not a clear description of the action the MC will take. I can’t imagine what conquering temptations look like.
Also the stakes don’t seem to be high enough being possessed isn’t as bad as being killed or other people being killed.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter hearing her father's death, a transfer student must conquer the temptations of a secret fraternity, before its ancient founder possesses her mind and body.
Agreed with the Richiev's comments I would add though that "...must conquer the temptations of a secret fraternity," is not a clear description of the action the MC will take. I can't imagine what conquering temptations look like. Also the stakes don't seem to be high enough being possessed isn't asRead more
Agreed with the Richiev’s comments I would add though that “…must conquer the temptations of a secret fraternity,” is not a clear description of the action the MC will take. I can’t imagine what conquering temptations look like.
Also the stakes don’t seem to be high enough being possessed isn’t as bad as being killed or other people being killed.
Hope this helps.
See lessAfter becoming a cyborg and inheriting the memories of others before, a human man enlists the aid of an alien cyborg intelligence to prevent the extinction of the human race.
Is the inciting incident becoming a cyborg or inheriting the memories? If it is becoming a cyborg then how does that alert him to a threat to the human race? If it is inheriting the memories in the process of assimilating to the cyborg collective (ala the Borg collective from Star Treck) and throughRead more
Is the inciting incident becoming a cyborg or inheriting the memories?
If it is becoming a cyborg then how does that alert him to a threat to the human race? If it is inheriting the memories in the process of assimilating to the cyborg collective (ala the Borg collective from Star Treck) and through that he learns of the threat. The inciting incident needs to be specified as the memory inheritance not becoming a cyborg this will also save space in the logline.
And as DPG asked the threat needs to be specified then we can imagine the action the MC will take to prevent it.
See less