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When he finds himself in the friend zone with the girl of his dreams his senior year of high school, a beta male must climb his way out of this inescapable trap before his Cinderella is stolen from him?.
Follow reviews in your previous loglines. This is not good. Read few books on screenwriting buddy.
Follow reviews in your previous loglines. This is not good. Read few books on screenwriting buddy.
See lessIn the world of Remnant, the Faunus face oppression, deportation and subjugation at the hands of humanity. After a young Sienna Khan’s ambitious miners revolt ended in calamity she was pulled from the ruins by Kali of the resistance and her childhood friend, Ghira. With humanities war against the Faunus entering a new stage with Dr Merlot’s terrible machines of war, these young heroes may end up being all that stands between their people and being consigned to certain doom on Menagerie.
I can see your ambitious plot but you need to clear out your idea first. The previous one lacked specifics and this overloads it. Apply geometric mean. Something like:When machine-powered Remnants repress and diminish his conventional-tribe, Faunus, a young valiant Faun must form an alliance to defeRead more
I can see your ambitious plot but you need to clear out your idea first. The previous one lacked specifics and this overloads it. Apply geometric mean. Something like:
When machine-powered Remnants repress and diminish his conventional-tribe, Faunus, a young valiant Faun must form an alliance to defend/ fight for his race.
Again the version I stated may or may not represent your idea but at least you have an idea, as where you can make cuts in your logline description.
See lessWhen his apartment block is raided by mobsters, an angsty teen discovers that his boring parents were once hit-men of the Yakuza and so he must learn their old ways to defend himself against the violent thugs, who are lead by his estranged Uncle, if he hopes to escape with his life.
'When a gang of vengeful mobsters attack their forbidden city (or apartment block), an angsty teenager must stand for his retired mobster-neighborhood as this turns out to be a war between his family people.'Making the city block or apartment block a forbidden one, where the old hit-men have retiredRead more
‘When a gang of vengeful mobsters attack their forbidden city (or apartment block), an angsty teenager must stand for his retired mobster-neighborhood as this turns out to be a war between his family people.’
Making the city block or apartment block a forbidden one, where the old hit-men have retired and share a friendly neighborhood can set up your need to avoid 911. Also, the neighborhood must not react with violence as this will create a premise where the audience will feel for these retired people. They will want them to get free of mobsters.
Your logline does not give a great significance to the character’s parents so I avoided it in the above version.
The fact that this premise turns out to be a war between his uncle and his parents must not divert the story’s attention from the main character (to his family feuds). So make him stand for neighborhood and make his parents back him up with the decision. This will make the premise focus on your main protagonist.
Overall, some tweaks here some tweaks there, you have a decent premise. (Somehow I had a feeling of District 13 movie while reading your version).
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