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Joseph, a wealthy but ailing patriarch organises a family gathering and announces that he intends to take his life at its conclusion. He asks his offspring for forgiveness for his past deeds and it is up to his favoured son David to unite the warring factions of the family and have them accept the apologies of his father before he passes away.
Aside from general no-nos when it comes to loglining (way too long, confused who your protagonist is, you identify characters by name), the problem that I see is that there are no STAKES for your protagonist to complete his goal. Why does he care whether the family is bickering over their inheritancRead more
Aside from general no-nos when it comes to loglining (way too long, confused who your protagonist is, you identify characters by name), the problem that I see is that there are no STAKES for your protagonist to complete his goal. Why does he care whether the family is bickering over their inheritance or not? As Blake Synder says, it needs to be primal! So what is the primal urge, what are the stakes of failure, for your protagonist?
See lessA lowly bartender planning her upcoming marriage has her Celebrity Free Pass, the one famous person she can sleep with without any consequences from her partner, walk into her bar, creating a world of problems for herself when she accepts his advances.
So it's basically like the movie "Hall Pass" from 2011, but with a celebrity instead of just random women? My problem with your logline is that it's WAY too long, and spends all its time setting up what appears to be nothing more than the first act, am I right? Condense it to something like: "AfterRead more
So it’s basically like the movie “Hall Pass” from 2011, but with a celebrity instead of just random women?
My problem with your logline is that it’s WAY too long, and spends all its time setting up what appears to be nothing more than the first act, am I right? Condense it to something like:
“After cheating on her fiance with her celebrity crush, …”
Then what happens? What is the goal, what action does the protagonist take, who is the antagonist, and what is the protagonist’s flaw? I guess the stakes – her relationship with her fiance – are implied.
I know you think that your hook is the idea of the celebrity crush that you’re allowed to sleep with if you ever meet, and that’s gonna be fun stuff to have in the film, but as far as a logline is concerned we don’t need all that information. That’s not what’s going to get someone to invest in your movie, and that’s not what’s going to get someone into the theatre having bought a ticket.
I don’t love the title, but that’s more personal opinion.
See lessWhen an earnest, hardworking nineteen year old unknowingly sets up the murder of a childhood friend gone astray, he unwittingly becomes entangled in the unglamorous world of low-level organized crime.
Sorry - my fault entirely. Should have proof read. What I meant to write is that all you've given us is the inciting incident. The set up.
Sorry – my fault entirely. Should have proof read. What I meant to write is that all you’ve given us is the inciting incident. The set up.
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