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Judgement Day
Whose son is the antichrist? I assume the cop; it's a little unclear. Is undercover pertinent to the story? It doesn't seem to be; you could remove it and the knowledge I have about the plot is identical. Also, use that word count to give us an idea of what the protagonist's flaw, and therefore arc,Read more
Whose son is the antichrist? I assume the cop; it’s a little unclear.
See lessIs undercover pertinent to the story? It doesn’t seem to be; you could remove it and the knowledge I have about the plot is identical. Also, use that word count to give us an idea of what the protagonist’s flaw, and therefore arc, is going to be.
Why is the apocalypse happening now? What has caused it? (Your logline is missing the event that begins the story).
Who is trying to stop them from preventing the showdown? (Is there an antagonist beyond the antichrist, or is he aware that his father is trying to stop him from fighting Jesus?)
What must they do to prevent the showdown? (The nature of the action your protagonist takes is unclear)
Why the Shaman specifically? (I get that the answer is ‘because that’s the story’ … but because you’ve made a point of it in the logline, my mind is trying to unpack the logic of it, and it doesn’t come through clean. I would consider dropping the Shaman from future iterations of the logline).
A smooth talking, but psychologically damaged, criminal with face-blindness rips off a dangerous drug-lord with help from his tough-guy brother. When they are betrayed by their psychopathic accomplice, he must overcome his psychological challenges and track the psychopath through the underground world of experimental hallucinogenic psycho-therapy in order to retrieve the drugs and prevent his brother being murdered.
You've included a LOT of information here that probably can be whittled away. Keep your logline focussed; event, action, flawed character, antagonist, stakes (and if pertinent, deadline and irony). "When a drug lord holds his brother to ransom over a botched hand-off, a callous face-blind crook mustRead more
You’ve included a LOT of information here that probably can be whittled away. Keep your logline focussed; event, action, flawed character, antagonist, stakes (and if pertinent, deadline and irony).
“When a drug lord holds his brother to ransom over a botched hand-off, a callous face-blind crook must track down his psychopathic ex-accomplice and return the money he has absconded with.”
– It is unclear how the ‘psycho-therapy’ portion, though drug-related, is the world through which the protagonist must journey to catch the guy who has ripped him off?
– Wouldn’t it work better if the protagonist doesn’t already know the guy who has ripped him off? Even with face-blindness … wouldn’t he have ways to identify people he actually knows?
See lessA lost orphan, hunted by brutal and corrupt miners, sets out on a thrilling adventure across the Australian desert in search of her new home.
There's too many non-sequiturs. I don't understand why the miners would be hunting the orphan. What has she done? Why do the miners pursue her across the desert? Why does she have to go across the desert? (OK, to get to the new home ... but it's not clear why that home is across the desert). How didRead more
There’s too many non-sequiturs.
I don’t understand why the miners would be hunting the orphan. What has she done? Why do the miners pursue her across the desert? Why does she have to go across the desert? (OK, to get to the new home … but it’s not clear why that home is across the desert). How did this orphan, who is lost, manage to tee up a new home, across the desert?
I think some of this needs to be made clearer on the next logline.
Also, like Nir said — what happened that set THESE pieces in play?
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