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When an extremely silent zookeeper loses a tiger in a tragic accident, her only chance of keeping her job is to negotiate with the peculiar caregivers of a traumatised former circus tiger.
"Extremely quiet" isn't really a character flaw; just characterisation. Perhaps 'timid' or even 'mousey' (for the animal connection -- she's gonna have to find her 'roar') work better to describe the character? Is the story really about negotiation? Does it mostly take place in an office (or circusRead more
“Extremely quiet” isn’t really a character flaw; just characterisation. Perhaps ‘timid’ or even ‘mousey’ (for the animal connection — she’s gonna have to find her ‘roar’) work better to describe the character?
Is the story really about negotiation? Does it mostly take place in an office (or circus equivalent … a trailer, I guess?) with the main character arguing the specifics of the trade with the owners of the tiger? I suspect it’s more a story of re-habilitating the damaged tiger (and in so doing, finding her own courage) — right? If it really is about the negotiation, then I guess the logline is accurate, but the premise isn’t particularly compelling. If it’s about something beyond the negotiation, then the logline needs to be reworked to focus on that.
It might help if there is something specific she needs the tiger for? What I mean is that; if a tiger died because of her incompetence, it wouldn’t be up to her to replace the tiger. The zookeeper would be fired for that incompetence, and presumably someone who runs the zoo would be in charge of sourcing a new animal; if they bothered to at all. However — if it wasn’t her fault, why would her job be tied so closely to the tiger exhibit? Why would she be OUT of a job — wouldn’t it just be part of her job to find a replacement? The stakes aren’t very clear to me.
So the point I was getting at was — maybe a specific reason she needs the tiger. Maybe?the zoo?were planning on breeding the tigers and they only have a small window of fertility with the female tiger, so she’s got to find a replacement for the dead male? Or maybe there’s someone coming to the zoo in a few months to see the tigers (though outside of a royal, I can’t imagine why someone’s job would be in the balance over it), or maybe the zoo is about to close and they wanted to sell the tiger to keep it open, or else the tiger was the only reason anyone was coming to the zoo …
I guess, as I write my thoughts on your logline, it becomes apparent to me that I think your story has a stakes problem — I?don’t understand why the protagonist’s job would be in jeopardy over this situation, and I think the premise needs to be reworked.
See lessLikewise — all of the above, what is the action the character takes to achieve their goal.
A young Rap Mogul, faces a huge dilemma, when he finds out his best friend is also interested in the same woman he’s falling in love with. He must figure out, if friendship is worth losing for his heart.
The first problem you really need to resolve is; what is the the rap mogul's goal, and what action does he take to achieve that goal, in the film. Because that's going to be what the bulk of the movie is about.A logline has two parts -- the event, and the action. The event almost always describes thRead more
The first problem you really need to resolve is; what is the the rap mogul’s goal, and what action does he take to achieve that goal, in the film. Because that’s going to be what the bulk of the movie is about.
A logline has two parts — the event, and the action. The event almost always describes the call to adventure or the inciting incident; the major thing that happens in act 1 that sets the story in motion. The action is the action that the protagonist takes in response to that event, and describes the majority of act 2, possibly everything all the way to the ending.
Therefore, if your logline is: “A rap mogul finds out his best friend is interested in the woman he loves …”
That is an event. It’s a weak event — because the friend is just interested in the woman, and therefore the conflict could be resolved with a conversation. Much bigger would be if the best friend slept with the woman. “When a rap mogul catches his wife sleeping with his best friend …”
But what your logline doesn’t describe is the ACTION that the protagonist takes in response to that event. All it says is that he ‘faces a huge dilemma’?and ‘must figure out’ — which, ok, he does need to do those things, but?characters make thousands of decisions, face thousands of dilemmas, and must figure out thousands of things in screenplays and films. Once he’s ‘figured it out’, what does he do next? What action does he take? Perhaps he plots to murder his friend? Perhaps he gets to work writing the world’s greatest diss track? Whatever it is, that’s the meat and potatoes of your story … and it’s currently absent from your logline.
I also wanted to note that if you remove ‘rap mogul’ — and say, add ‘lonely architect’ — the logline becomes incredibly generic. So ‘rap mogul’ is the slightly fresh spin here. The ACTION that he takes should probably deepen that hook; it should probably take place in the rap world, and the action should reveal that (like if he writes and releases a diss track) — because as an average movie goer, I’m not aware of many romantic dramas that take place in that sub-culture.
See lessA Scientist and Psychologist Couple manipulate the 2 Year Biosphere Living Experiment by selecting 4 lesbian Women and 4 heterosexual men. As the men go sex-crazy the Scientist allows them out for an evening, which ruins her psychological experiment and the couple, now accidentally locked inside, are at war with each other also. (Improved one from comments on this site. I hope to make this a comedy.)
At what point in the story do the couple become locked inside? (Beginning of second act?) What is the objective or goal once they are trapped inside? Is it just to survive for 2 years? What is stopping them from doing that? (Presumably the biosphere is set up to handle 8 inhabitants? So I imagine thRead more
At what point in the story do the couple become locked inside? (Beginning of second act?)
What is the objective or goal once they are trapped inside? Is it just to survive for 2 years? What is stopping them from doing that? (Presumably the biosphere is set up to handle 8 inhabitants? So I imagine there’d be plenty of supplies for 2 people trapped in there. Also, if they’re not actively trying to kill one another, and there’s no other antagonist, I’d say survival is pretty much assured. So what you have is 2 characters trapped in one location who dislike one another, but with no other objectives. So they’re just squabbling for the 90 min run time? I can’t imagine anyone would want to fund that film, much less see it).
I think there’s potential in the idea — the setup works for a low-budget kind of thing. But I agree with Nir; I think the premise needs work.
“After they’re sealed inside?their?biosphere experiment midway through a supply delivery, two?unscrupulous academics in a failing marriage must work together to survive the next 24 months.”
Trying that out, it makes me wonder; what is at stake if the experiment fails? That seems to provide the momentum for WHY they must tough it out, instead of just shut it down and escape.
Also — it feels like the repair of their relationship; and arc from distant to loving for the couple, is going to be central to the story. But I want to know, in the logline, what it is that might drive a wedge between them? Perhaps there are THREE people locked in there? (And this person can be used as the third point in a love triangle — perhaps, the third character is so spurned by the way they’re manipulated and used by the other two trying to get back at each other, that in the second half even becomes the antagonist; attempting to sabotage the experiment and kill them all before the end).
It feels more than a little “Bio-Dome”, but could have some of “The Martian” in there.
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