Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
After a near death accident leaves a man with the ability to see behind the veil, he soon finds his real mission is to stop a unique werewolf from tearing apart the veil and destroy reality.
Let's look at the pieces: EVENT: Super-powers bestowed on protagonist's deathbed. ACTION: (with the most, although vague, stakes) Stop creatures trying to destroy the veil between worlds. (Definitely need to focus and refine this. It's not even clear what that means, or why it's important). FLAWED PRead more
Let’s look at the pieces:
EVENT: Super-powers bestowed on protagonist’s deathbed.
ACTION: (with the most, although vague, stakes) Stop creatures trying to destroy the veil between worlds. (Definitely need to focus and refine this. It’s not even clear what that means, or why it’s important).
FLAWED PROTAGONIST: a man. (Even if we describe him as an UNDEAD man … you can do better than that, right? What’s the character’s flaw, and what is their function in the world at the end of act 1?)
ANTAGONIST: Unclear. General mythical creatures.
STAKES: The protagonist’s soul? Though it’s unclear how that is at stake. Because I’ve seen stories like this before, I know that ‘destroying the veil between worlds’ sounds like a generally bad thing … but I don’t know whether that means that monsters can roam freely on the streets of victorian London, or whether it means the collapse of the universe and total oblivion. So this needs to be made MUCH clearer.
DEADLINE/TIMECLOCK: Not clear. Maybe not necessary.
“After he’s bestowed with super-powers on his deathbed, a cowardly garbageman must stop the King of the Goblins from merging the fantasy world with our own — and thereby unleashing hell on Earth.”
You’d need to indicate WHY these superpowers that he receives now make it possible for him to put up a fight from whatever the actual antagonist of your film is. Like … get specific with them. What he can do is going to give me an indication of the tone of your film (Is this Underworld or Men In Black), and basically form the hook that helps sell your screenplay.
Not knowing the actual flaw in your character makes this hard to judge, but make sure that it conveys the irony in the premise. (Who would be LEAST equipped, emotionally and physically, to stop the events that are occurring).
Again, the goal and stakes of your logline could be clearer.
See lessWhen an obsessive archaeologist accidentally releases a near-omnipotent demon, he must impersonate its boisterous, evil overlord to con it back into captivity.
Is this a short film? The ACTION the character takes -- conning a demon into believing he is essentially its boss -- doesn't feel like it has enough legs to support a feature length narrative? Also -- impersonating a demon's boss (the devil?) is not something people are familiar with, so they kind oRead more
Is this a short film? The ACTION the character takes — conning a demon into believing he is essentially its boss — doesn’t feel like it has enough legs to support a feature length narrative?
Also — impersonating a demon’s boss (the devil?) is not something people are familiar with, so they kind of can’t picture what kind of narrative this would follow? In terms of selling the screenplay, this would mean that at a glance, people wouldn’t know the scale of production this story is likely to require, and in terms of enticing people to want to read / watch the narrative, it’s hard to know what kind of movie they’re likely to be getting involved with, and most audiences don’t like that level of ambiguity.
Also … what is at stake?
The ironic hook at the centre of the logline; an obsessive archeologist having to use his knowledge of archeology to outsmart a demon, doesn’t really land. By that, I mean, his obsession would likely make him uniquely equipped to deal with this situation, so you’re missing an opportunity for irony there. But also, if ‘overcoming obsession / learning to let go & care about other things in life’ is the central thesis and the flaw that the protagonist needs to overcome, it’s not really clear how this outer journey is going to take this character to that place of enlightenment? If anything, it feels like having to go REALLY deep into his obsession might be the only way to convince a demon that he’s its boss … so I struggle to see how he’s going to learn to be less obsessed, if that’s the way he’s able to resolve the situation?
See lessI hate to ask but…
Grammatically, you've split the first part of your sentence "After discovering they're adopted..." from the rest of the sentence. So replace that period with a comma, first up. You've described TWO protagonists, when it helps to identify who the central protagonist is - whose journey we're going toRead more
Grammatically, you’ve split the first part of your sentence “After discovering they’re adopted…” from the rest of the sentence. So replace that period with a comma, first up.
You’ve described TWO protagonists, when it helps to identify who the central protagonist is – whose journey we’re going to follow. Even Thelma and Louise or The Shawshank Redemption have protagonists.
Taking a road trip to find a compatible bone marrow donor is not a logical action to take after finding out you’re adopted; my guess is that, while finding out they’re adopted might occur in the first act, this is not actually the event that kicks off this story.
So – refocus the POV to a central flawed protagonist, adjust what the event is that kicks off the story:
‘When only a bone marrow transplant will keep her alive, a defensive adoptee crosses the country with her burnout sister to find the only compatible donor: her biological mother.”
I’d suggest trying to find the source of antagonism; who exactly is making this road-trip difficult for the characters?
See lessLikewise, it’d be very easy to include a time-clock to up the tension.