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Haunted by his past, a careworn man fights against starvation and a hostile environment to find a new home for a little girl and himself in a post apocalyptic world, which not only questions his purpose in life, but if hope alone can keep you and the ?Mensch? inside you alive.
It's wordy and dense -- I have had to read over it multiple times to get a sense of what your story is about. There's a movie just come out called "Cargo" which pretty much sounds like this exact thing -- but it has the added hook that it's set post-zombie-apocalypse, and the inciting incident is thRead more
It’s wordy and dense — I have had to read over it multiple times to get a sense of what your story is about.
There’s a movie just come out called “Cargo” which pretty much sounds like this exact thing — but it has the added hook that it’s set post-zombie-apocalypse, and the inciting incident is that the protagonist is bitten and is slowly turning to a zombie, and must now get his infant child to safety before he turns full zombie and eats her.
It’s also reminiscent of ‘The Road’ and ‘The Last of Us’. This is not bad — it’s obviously pretty zeitgeist-y, but your story lacks a hook that sets it apart from those that have come before.
Protagonist: you can do better than the character’s function being ‘man’ though, can’t you?
“A careworn used-car-salesman traverses the violent post-apocalyptic wasteland with his daughter in search of ‘the safe zone’.”
Aside from a fresh hook, it’s missing a call to adventure.
See lessIn order to defeat a plot to suppress technology that will save millions of lives, a surveillance expert must play a deadly game of cat-and-mouse with an evil multinational and the shadowy private intelligence agency that employs him.
Your logline is vague. You state a goal, which is the right instinct - "to defeat a plot to suppress technology". But 'defeating a plot' is so vague it's hard to know what kind of story and conflict the screenplay is likely to contain. Likewise, you miss an opportunity here to convey tone and genreRead more
Your logline is vague.
You state a goal, which is the right instinct – “to defeat a plot to suppress technology”. But ‘defeating a plot’ is so vague it’s hard to know what kind of story and conflict the screenplay is likely to contain. Likewise, you miss an opportunity here to convey tone and genre through specificity. We want to know what actually must be DONE to defeat the plot. Does the protagonist have to assassinate the head of the multinational, or win a court case against them, or get the evidence to a news broadcaster. Because it’s so vague, the possibilities are infinite right now, and it means that we actually have no real idea what your screenplay is about.
You go on to clarify that your protagonist “must play a deadly game of cat-and-mouse”. Aside from being cliche, again playing cat-and-mouse doesn’t actually tell us anything about the content of your screenplay. He will need to not get caught by the bad guy, a complication implicit in every screenplay essentially.
You’ve stated that the villains are both his own company and the company suppressing the technology. Whilst I think it’s common to have multiple sources of antagonism, for the sake of brevity it’s probably worth on communication in the main antagonist in your logline. This means picking a character (probably the head of one of those companies) and describe the conflict in terms of your protagonist versus your (singular) antagonist).
Your protagonist is ‘a surveillance expert’ — who seems totally qualified to manage playing a game of cat-and-mouse, and also getting the information he might need to beat the bad guys. What is it about this character in this situation that would provide the conflict to sustain a feature length screenplay? Where is the irony, or the hook? Perhaps it is in the protagonist’s flaw, which is unstated in your logline? I would include a flaw in future iterations of your logline. Likewise, I would sit and think on “why this character”? What is going to be hard about a surveillance expert exposing information the bad guys don’t want him to know? If the story is that a guy finds out something he’s not supposed to know, and that puts his life at risk, and that character is already surveillance expert … how is the special world of your screenplay special?
See lessA Vegas waitress tripled in size falls for the scientist who accidentally enlarged her, sacrificing newfound showroom stardom to save him when he’s kidnapped by her abusive ex, a blackmailing mobster and a wealthy, widowed former showgirl.
"Tripled in size" ... so, she's like, a giant? 5 meters tall? How would doing ANYTHING jeopardise stardom for a person 5 meters tall? That's like, twice as tall as the biggest person ever. She can save the man she loves and then just step back into the limelight? We need some clarity. "When her abusRead more
“Tripled in size” … so, she’s like, a giant? 5 meters tall?
How would doing ANYTHING jeopardise stardom for a person 5 meters tall? That’s like, twice as tall as the biggest person ever. She can save the man she loves and then just step back into the limelight? We need some clarity.
“When her abusive ex kidnaps her new beau, a waitress recently turned into a giant must get him back.”
This logline also feels like it needs a deadline – like, they’re doing something to the scientist, which provides the urgency for the character to take action. Otherwise … I don’t really know what would make this story engaging, other than that the protagonist is 3 times the size of a normal human.
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