Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
While training a new intelligent human specie, a scientist discovers their origin to be alien. He must lead an intelligence team to erase them before they emerge as emperors to human-intelligence.
I'm confused as to what this story is about? 'While training a new intelligent human specie(s)' ... what do you mean, a new intelligent human species? Is this like, mutants or something? Like, the X-Men or the creature from Splice ... the next evolutionary step for humans? And the idea that they'reRead more
I’m confused as to what this story is about?
‘While training a new intelligent human specie(s)’ … what do you mean, a new intelligent human species? Is this like, mutants or something? Like, the X-Men or the creature from Splice … the next evolutionary step for humans? And the idea that they’re being trained makes me think they’re lab-grown. Is that right?
BUT … immediately we learn that they’re aliens. So why are we describing them as an intelligent human specie(s)? (Specificity would save you word count, and make the logline more efficient).
THEN … this ‘”scientist’s” first response to learning that a whole species of humans he has been training (for what?) are in fact aliens, is to “erase” them? (As in, genocide, right? If we’re talking about a whole species?) This turn of events makes your protagonist, thinly painted as he is, hard to empathise with.
ALSO … there’s no indication, at least in the logline, that would suggest nefarious plans from this intelligent human species that would necessitate that they’re erased? (The ACTION section of your logline seems disconnected, or a non sequitur, from the EVENT section of your logline).
ALSO … how many of them are there. You use the word EMPEROR, which seems quite specific. And it makes me wonder how that fits into it? Like, are there only 7 of them, and they’re each planning on taking over a continent and ruling as god-king emperors? Or do you just mean that they might emerge as a dominant species? But also … that’s vague, and potentially not a threat … because in your logline, they’ve not shown themselves to be a threat? (Be clear with both your protagonist and antagonist’s goals, but also justify them in the logline).
Is this a story about a paranoid scientist massacring a race of human-like aliens?
The use of “intelligence” three times in your logline makes me think you didn’t give this a proof-read and a second draft, which makes me think that any potential script you were to write might be similarly approached, and were I the kind of person who might purchase a script from a writer I could be scared off from wanting to see more of your work at that point.
I think dpg nailed it. The premise is not clear or clean enough to make me engage with your logline the ‘right way’ (hooking me into the protagonist’s plight and wondering if he’s going to succeed or fail in his goal). Instead, my brain has to do somersaults to try and understand what is going on.
See lessAfter a rape victim loses in court from the suspect?s influential family, she emerges as the leader of “broken”, a group of similar cases prepared to bring justice by necessary evil
The way you've worded your logline is clunky:"... loses in court from the suspect's influential family, ..." (you don't lose FROM, you lose TO). "... a group of similar cases prepared ..." (the cases themselves don't form the group, it's the victims in those cases who collectively come together).So,Read more
The way you’ve worded your logline is clunky:
“… loses in court from the suspect’s influential family, …” (you don’t lose FROM, you lose TO).
“… a group of similar cases prepared …” (the cases themselves don’t form the group, it’s the victims in those cases who collectively come together).
So, maybe that’s being picky. But if the wording is clunky, it comes off as un-polished, and rattles my confidence in you as a storyteller.
It’s easy enough to unpick what the story is about: A gang of rape victims taking revenge on their attackers.
It’s not clear, from the current logline, what the actual thrust of the story will be. For instance, is this a story of someone starting this support group, “Broken”, and it spiralling out of control until they’re breaking as many laws as the people they’re fighting against? Or is that more of a backdrop to perhaps tracking down the protagonist’s attacker and getting ultimate revenge on them? (Sort of like, the leader thinking that revenge will mend the piece of their soul that has been damaged, and ultimately they have the realisation that an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind). Or is it the story of a group of vigilantes doling out justice, and the justice system casting them as villains and trying to take them down? (The villains of that story being the cops, judges and lawyers).
I can see that there is potential for conflict in this premise, but the open-endedness of the protagonist’s goal suggests more of a logline for a TV series, where you might spend time on all of the different potential threads? I think if this is a contained feature narrative, you need to get more specific about the ACTION the protagonist takes in response to the courts failing them.
FWIW – this would not appeal to someone like me; it feels like in the era of #metoo, a rape-revenge flick is a bit tone-deaf. Rape kind of needs to be handled quite delicately in narrative, I think, and I’d be wary that this premise could manage it. In the words of Griffin & David from the Blank Check podcast, it’s “too much paprika.”
See less3 siblings set out on an adventure with their father?s friend, a professor, to find out what caused his disappearance and stop the power that could destroy humanity that he was looking for.
My guess is that this is for a Wrinkle in Time? Take it back to the fundamentals. Start with the event: "When their father is abducted by an inter-dimensional evil ..." Focus on one flawed protagonist to ensure correct POV, even if you include the other characters in the logline, and to imply the chRead more
My guess is that this is for a Wrinkle in Time?
Take it back to the fundamentals. Start with the event:
“When their father is abducted by an inter-dimensional evil …”
Focus on one flawed protagonist to ensure correct POV, even if you include the other characters in the logline, and to imply the character’s arc and internal journey:
“… a reticent middle-schooler and her two siblings…”
Then get clear with the goal. Not knowing what the ultimate goal is (either of your story or, if I am correct in my suspicion, of A Wrinkle In Time), the appropriate action to the event is to ‘get dad back’. But being specific can indicate the tone and genre of the film:
“… travel across space and time to get him back.” (or to bring him home).
“When their father is abducted by an inter-dimensional evil, a reticent middle-schooler and her two siblings travel across space and time to get him back.”
See less