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"After his regular blood supply dries up, a pacifist vampire must rob a mobile blood bank."
Well, if the vampire fails to get more blood, he'll die. It's kind of tied up in the whole being-a-vampire schtick :) - I think (hope) this is implied by the first part of the logline (having run out of blood) and that he is identified as a vampire. Is it worth re-iterating? "After his regular sourcRead more
Well, if the vampire fails to get more blood, he’ll die. It’s kind of tied up in the whole being-a-vampire schtick 🙂 – I think (hope) this is implied by the first part of the logline (having run out of blood) and that he is identified as a vampire. Is it worth re-iterating?
“After his regular source of food dries up, a pacifist vampire must rob a mobile blood bank in order to survive.”
Essentially, this film IS about a gang of vampire blood bank robbers. That’s the part that I find funny / worth making. I’m not that interested in writing a straight heist, nor am I really that keen on a vampire file in and of itself. But a heist film that turns out to have been a vampire film all along? That sounds like something I’d gladly sit through 🙂
See lessA lifeguard struggles to cope with his wife?s suicide, his ethics are tested when he discovers her rapist drowning at the local beach
I hope this comes across as creative criticism - I apologise if it sounds too direct or harsh. The logline you've submitted is not an accurate reflection of what your movie is about. If a producer bought your script on the strength of this logline, and then they read it, they would think - this filmRead more
I hope this comes across as creative criticism – I apologise if it sounds too direct or harsh.
The logline you’ve submitted is not an accurate reflection of what your movie is about. If a producer bought your script on the strength of this logline, and then they read it, they would think – this film is really about a man who tries to help his wife through suicidal depression after she is raped, and it’s FRAMED by an interesting moral dilemma. But it’s certainly not ABOUT that dilemma.
It sounds like, from what you’ve described, the part that your logline describes is going to be the first and last few minutes of the film, and then everything else in between is not what has been described.
See lessWhen a master assassin\'s family is captured by an evil king he must commit a series of murders whilst trying to free his family and escape
Sounds better - "retired" indicates that he has left the life, and is being forced against his will back into it, so we have a good indication of conflict that's likely to arise. Is there some way, without divulging too much, that you can make it clear who the targets of the murders will be? A serieRead more
Sounds better – “retired” indicates that he has left the life, and is being forced against his will back into it, so we have a good indication of conflict that’s likely to arise.
Is there some way, without divulging too much, that you can make it clear who the targets of the murders will be? A series of murders, for instance, is less enticing, than say, the murder of every member of a rival royal bloodline, or the murder of the king’s illegitimate children.
Also – instead of “whilst trying to free his family and escape,” does it work if you change it to “in order to free his family and escape”? It strengthens the connection between the two concepts, and makes it clear that the choice is “do this thing that the protag now finds ethically problematic,” or else “the protag’s family will remain in danger.”
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