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A violent gangster turns vigilante when his young son is murdered, but when he executes an undercover cop, his operation backfires.
It's working, it's clear what it's about and who, and what the stakes are ... but ... I don't know about you but the end is clunky, right? "...plans to kill him in vengeance for his murdered father." I don't know how to fix it but it doesn't sounds right. It sounds too wordy.
It’s working, it’s clear what it’s about and who, and what the stakes are … but … I don’t know about you but the end is clunky, right?
See less“…plans to kill him in vengeance for his murdered father.” I don’t know how to fix it but it doesn’t sounds right. It sounds too wordy.
A violent gangster-vigilante is forced to judge his own actions and be sentenced by his own laws.
I think you've made it TOO vague. Now a reader can't tell what your film is about at all. What is the goal, and what are the stakes? The "murdered an undercover cop" tactic worked, because from that we can extrapolate that the stakes are his freedom or life (depending on how viscously the other copsRead more
I think you’ve made it TOO vague. Now a reader can’t tell what your film is about at all. What is the goal, and what are the stakes? The “murdered an undercover cop” tactic worked, because from that we can extrapolate that the stakes are his freedom or life (depending on how viscously the other cops pursue his capture), and that for some of the movie at least he’s going to be trying to dodge the police force’s efforts. But we’re still unclear as to what your vigilante wants … what is he doing?
See lessA violent gangster turns vigilante when his young son is murdered, but when he executes an undercover cop, his operation backfires.
Wowsers ... sounds like you've got HEAPS of story to tell with this one, but I have to admit, I don't think this logline is an accurate account of what your film is about at all. What it sounds like it's actually about is that the leader of a vigilante gang (sort of like an underworld justice leagueRead more
Wowsers … sounds like you’ve got HEAPS of story to tell with this one, but I have to admit, I don’t think this logline is an accurate account of what your film is about at all.
What it sounds like it’s actually about is that the leader of a vigilante gang (sort of like an underworld justice league … right?) seeks a protege to take over the ‘family business’, but the young man he’s grooming for command plots to murder him in order to exact vengeance for his murdered father.
Whilst my above paragraph is probably an absolute butchering of the poetry you’ve constructed, I’d definitely say it’s closer to what your film is about than a vigilante who has killed a cop. That’s all just back story.
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