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A lifeguard struggles to cope with his wife?s suicide, his ethics are tested when he discovers her rapist drowning at the local beach
The concept is very appealing, and Geno's comments are right on the money. Wish someone was sending me that kind of constructive criticism! Man, just reading those ideas had me conceiving MY OWN film based on your premise! Don't worry ... it's not my genre :) What I would say is this - loglines thatRead more
The concept is very appealing, and Geno’s comments are right on the money. Wish someone was sending me that kind of constructive criticism! Man, just reading those ideas had me conceiving MY OWN film based on your premise! Don’t worry … it’s not my genre 🙂
What I would say is this – loglines that begin with “Someone struggles with something, then this happens” never hit home with me, because it fragments the idea into two separate concepts. The “internal” dilemma (someone struggling with x) and the “external” dilemma (then something else happens). As writers, we want the internal and external to be intwined inextricably throughout the course of the story, right? So why is it that the first thing we’re using to tell people about our story sets it up as being two separate elements?
What if your logline began “After his wife’s suicide, a lifeguard witnesses his wife’s rapist drowning … (then whatever else happens in the story).
Unless this is a short, I can’t imagine your WHOLE movie centres around whether he’s going to rescue this guy or not … unless the whole film take place in flashbacks during the two or three minutes it takes for this guy to die? Whilst this might be a very difficult decision for your character, it’s probably not actually what the film is about (again, as Geno suggests, unless it’s a short film). Your protag either does or does not rescue the guy, and then the film is actually about what happens next …
See lessA violent gangster turns vigilante when his young son is murdered, but when he executes an undercover cop, his operation backfires.
Definitely great fodder for a feature script. It seems like streamlining is the first thing I'd suggest. At the moment you're suggesting two inciting incidents - either the film kicks into gear when his son gets murdered, and it's about him becoming a vigilante a la "The Punisher". Or it's about a vRead more
Definitely great fodder for a feature script.
It seems like streamlining is the first thing I’d suggest. At the moment you’re suggesting two inciting incidents – either the film kicks into gear when his son gets murdered, and it’s about him becoming a vigilante a la “The Punisher”. Or it’s about a vigilante who is seeking vengeance for his murdered son, who accidentally kills a cop, and then whatever the rest of the film is about happens. Whilst I agree at the murdered son thing is very interesting and quite a hook, it might not be necessary in order to keep the logline as streamlined as possible.
You’ve said – here is a guy who has a problem … but you haven’t indicated what your film is going to be about. What is the goal? What are the stakes?
See lessAn illegal gun store owner and father to be chases freedom from a world of violence he helped to create.
Whilst the protagonist's goal is clear - escape the violent world he has helped create - "chasing freedom" is just too vague to sell your story on. What is the greatest hurdle he is going to face? If you're pitching your script to a producer or investor, there's no way for them to gather an idea ofRead more
Whilst the protagonist’s goal is clear – escape the violent world he has helped create – “chasing freedom” is just too vague to sell your story on. What is the greatest hurdle he is going to face? If you’re pitching your script to a producer or investor, there’s no way for them to gather an idea of this film. “Chasing freedom” might mean a ‘The Fugitive’ style adventure across an entire continent (or the world). Or it might mean telling the crook who’s giving him a hard time to go to hell. There’s no indication from your logline of the scope of your film, and I’d guess this is going to make it difficult sell it to people down the line.
In the third version you’ve posted, opening with “a community activist’s husband” muddies who your protagonist is. Obviously the story is the arms dealer, but you’ve framed his introduction through his spouse … which means we don’t actually have a clear idea whose story we’ll be following. Something still feels slightly vague about this third version of the logline, but the dilemma and plot is much clearer in terms of having to choose between family and money from an unethical business.
What’s the hook? How has the profitable arms dealing business effected his family? Has one of his kids (or spouse) been shot recently? Has one of them bought a gun and shot someone? Why does he need to escape?
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