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Jacob has lost faith. When a woman who says she's from the future appears at his door with a grave warning, Jacob must decide whether to believe her or face the consequences.
thanks - that logline you've suggested is getting pretty close. i'd watch that movie! i'll take another stab at it.
thanks – that logline you’ve suggested is getting pretty close. i’d watch that movie!
See lessi’ll take another stab at it.
Jacob has lost faith. When a woman who says she's from the future appears at his door with a grave warning, Jacob must decide whether to believe her or face the consequences.
Thanks guys - super helpful. How about this? "Jacob has lost his faith. When a woman who says she's from the future appears at his door with a warning, he's faced with an impossible choice - to believe her at the cost of his reputation and sanity, or fail and be responsible for revisiting the evilsRead more
Thanks guys – super helpful. How about this?
“Jacob has lost his faith. When a woman who says she’s from the future appears at his door with a warning, he’s faced with an impossible choice – to believe her at the cost of his reputation and sanity, or fail and be responsible for revisiting the evils of the past on the future.”
The stakes are clear to me (and hopefully, with that new logline, clearer to you), but I’m struggling identifying my antagonist. The woman explains that the military applications of the work he is doing (developing more accurate weather prediction software) leads to the development of the first time machines, and that allows a malevolent military the ability to alter history in their favour. So the antagonist might be the ‘big bad military’ she describes. But the conflict of at least the first half of the story concerns itself mostly with Jacob’s incredulity. So he’s kind of his own antagonist? (is that possible?). In the final act, it is revealed that the woman is actually an employee (from the present) of a rival software company who were direct competitors for the military contract Jacob’s team has been working under. Her objective was to make him believe his work was dangerous to the future of humanity, so that he would sabotage it from within, and force the brass to pull their funding from his company and give it to hers. So ultimately she is the antagonist, but as this is a third act reveal I didn’t think it right to include in the logline?
Genre wise I guess it’s science fiction, because it deals with time travel. But in the same way that Primer or Another Earth are science fiction films, or Monsters is a monster movie – low key sci fi, perhaps?
Also – Andrew, I’ve never had to identify the irony in a story I’ve written. Is this really necessary, and if so how do I identify it?
See lessA team of app developers, on the verge of being shut down, discover an app that shows people how they will die,
I am sorry if the below reads sarcastic / snarky. I hope you know I mean the below as genuinely constructive criticism. This was mentioned already by monimata, but worth re-iterating, 'discover' is a strange word to use. Does this mean that someone else had already built the app? It's much more engaRead more
I am sorry if the below reads sarcastic / snarky. I hope you know I mean the below as genuinely constructive criticism.
This was mentioned already by monimata, but worth re-iterating, ‘discover’ is a strange word to use. Does this mean that someone else had already built the app? It’s much more engaging if the main character(s) are the once who set the adventure into motion. So perhaps they could “design” the app? Otherwise … they don’t really need to be app designers at all? And if someone did design it, and they “discover it” it means it’s on the market already, and they’re even more passive characters as they have no vested interest in the app. If it is given to them, as your synopsis says, say that it is given to them in the logline.
The stakes are pretty low if they just don’t have a good app idea between them, and the threat is that they’re going to get shut down. Aren’t they app designers by trade? It’s a shakey business model to start a business selling apps but not have any apps to sell.
From the logline (not the synopsis you provided) it is unclear what the central conflict of the story is. You seem to have described the event that kicks the story into gear, but we don’t know what they are planning to do or not do as a result of receiving this app.
** finally, just want to mention; if you have a scene where a character appears, shows the team an app, and they all somehow telepathically experience the ‘death’ scenario of the character who volunteers, isn’t that the far more exciting technology for them? Collective telepathic experience? Couldn’t that be harnessed into hundreds of far more lucrative business opportunities? Also … how would they know that what they’re seeing is real, and that this is really how the guy dies? I could tell you right now that you’re going to die as an old man in your bed, and i’d have a pretty good chance of being right; but that doesn’t mean I’m a prophet, nor would either of us know if I’m correct for a great many years.
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