Thanks guys – hear what you’re saying. The good part of your responses is that it’s regarding the working of the logline, not the working of the story, so at least that appears to be working.

dpg – totally agree with “servant”, also with the event being the death and not the killing of the master vampire (being that the event needs to happen TO the protag, and the ‘accidental killing’ makes it appear that it’s by his own actions that the call to action occurs. Will keep tossing this around in my head, but I think for the sake of the logline ‘dies’ is more succinct).

mrliteral – agree with the need for economy in the logline, I think it’s necessary to keep the idea of ‘stealing’ the blood in (as the second act is a heist movie). Ultimately, that’s the hook. Without it, the story comes across as about a bunch of vampires who have to kill a bunch of people … which is way less interesting than ‘vampires rob a blood bank’. I guess the ‘hundred virgins’ thing isn’t even really necessary – just ‘enough blood’ would suffice to say in the logline. Also, I think that the time clock idea is necessary, otherwise these guys have the rest of their lifespans to complete this, making the feat far less difficult?

So, how about this:

“When his master dies, a perfectionist vampire’s servant has two days to steal enough blood from a mobile blood-bank to save his and his brothers’ lives.”