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In order to create a replacement ?Master Vampire? after his is accidentally killed, a perfectionist thrall has 48 hours to steal and consume the blood of 100 virgins from a mobile high-school blood bank, before he and his master's other sons' powers wain, and they succumb to mortality.
Thanks so much for your help on this so far man. I hear what you're saying re: linking the antagonist to the goal / stakes, but I think it sounds clunky when I attempt it. I don't think "to prevent his family from being hunted as well" rolls off the tongue. Perhaps it just needs to be changed to "muRead more
Thanks so much for your help on this so far man.
I hear what you’re saying re: linking the antagonist to the goal / stakes, but I think it sounds clunky when I attempt it. I don’t think “to prevent his family from being hunted as well” rolls off the tongue. Perhaps it just needs to be changed to “must steal enough blood to protect his family” … more needed you reckon?
Also – I can find another word that is less accurate to describe the character … but he is 100% a thrall, a servant, as per pretty standard vampiric lore. That’s what he is, and I’m OK with calling him servant for the sake of accurate communication, but I think anything else lies about the nature of his function in his world. Perhaps ‘caretaker’ could work?
See lessSuffering from years of child abuse, an estranged man who lives under his bed must slowly break away from his imagination with the arrival of a newborn sister.
"Suffering from years of child abuse, an estranged man" - this is excessively wordy, and 'estranged' means to no longer be friendly with someone else, so it's out of place here. Like always, I don't like the character's function being solely based around their gender, so may I suggest describing theRead more
“Suffering from years of child abuse, an estranged man” – this is excessively wordy, and ‘estranged’ means to no longer be friendly with someone else, so it’s out of place here. Like always, I don’t like the character’s function being solely based around their gender, so may I suggest describing the character as:
“A reclusive child-abuse survivor …”
Next – does he really live under his bed, or does he live in his imagination? Which is the ‘happy village’ that’s going to be upset by the arrival of this baby? Pick one and run with it …
Then – it becomes pretty clear that you have a setup, a ‘what if’ … but no compelling action to take us through the second act. What happens next? What is the character’s goal?
“A reclusive child-abuse survivor must (achieve this goal) after his fantasy world is shattered with the arrival of a newborn baby sister.”
I’ll also jump on the bandwagon and say that the stakes aren’t clear; it’s implied that the newborn might enter this cycle of abuse, but I think that perhaps you should be explicit about it?
See lessSuffering from years of child abuse, an estranged man who lives under his bed must slowly break away from his imagination with the arrival of a newborn sister.
"Suffering from years of child abuse, an estranged man" - this is excessively wordy, and 'estranged' means to no longer be friendly with someone else, so it's out of place here. Like always, I don't like the character's function being solely based around their gender, so may I suggest describing theRead more
“Suffering from years of child abuse, an estranged man” – this is excessively wordy, and ‘estranged’ means to no longer be friendly with someone else, so it’s out of place here. Like always, I don’t like the character’s function being solely based around their gender, so may I suggest describing the character as:
“A reclusive child-abuse survivor …”
Next – does he really live under his bed, or does he live in his imagination? Which is the ‘happy village’ that’s going to be upset by the arrival of this baby? Pick one and run with it …
Then – it becomes pretty clear that you have a setup, a ‘what if’ … but no compelling action to take us through the second act. What happens next? What is the character’s goal?
“A reclusive child-abuse survivor must (achieve this goal) after his fantasy world is shattered with the arrival of a newborn baby sister.”
I’ll also jump on the bandwagon and say that the stakes aren’t clear; it’s implied that the newborn might enter this cycle of abuse, but I think that perhaps you should be explicit about it?
See less