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When a plague of supernatural scoundrels menaces a tiny frontier town, its hot-headed deputy is forced to drag his boyfriend out of monster hunter retirement to save the citizens?even if their heroics jeopardize their budding romance.
The word "pests" makes the threat seem inconsequential. I would suggest maybe looking for a more menacing description -- because otherwise the logline reads quite well for me. Only other thoughts are: - is there some way to indicate what the protagonist's flaw will be? - is there some way to make thRead more
The word “pests” makes the threat seem inconsequential. I would suggest maybe looking for a more menacing description — because otherwise the logline reads quite well for me.
Only other thoughts are:
– is there some way to indicate what the protagonist’s flaw will be?
– is there some way to make the threat even more personal? (The townsfolk are stakes characters, and their lives are in danger … but at the moment, the heroes could just leave. I’d like to know why it’s imperative that they stay and protect them).
Otherwise, great work!
See lessWhen his best friend dies in a drive by shooting, a naive vagrant must escape the harsh streets of his home world to join the galactic armed forces, endure their harsh training and battle nightmarish aliens to become a space knight.
The causal link between event (friend murdered in drive-by) and goal (become space-knight) is unclear. How is the latter response to the former? Is it because, in the rules of your story's universe, the space-knights are some sort of police force, and with his newfound space-knight powers he's goingRead more
The causal link between event (friend murdered in drive-by) and goal (become space-knight) is unclear. How is the latter response to the former?
Is it because, in the rules of your story’s universe, the space-knights are some sort of police force, and with his newfound space-knight powers he’s going to chase down and catch his friend’s killers?
See lessWhen a woman is killed after stealing a memory, a washed up detective tracks her killer, who begins to taunt him with more victims and memories.
The mechanics of your story world are hard to grasp from this logline -- perhaps it's worth leaning more heavily on the human and easy to grasp aspect of the story. (Detective must catch a killer). That being the case: - it's not clear how the initial murder is connected personally to the detectiveRead more
The mechanics of your story world are hard to grasp from this logline — perhaps it’s worth leaning more heavily on the human and easy to grasp aspect of the story. (Detective must catch a killer).
That being the case:
– it’s not clear how the initial murder is connected personally to the detective in question. It just feels like the character’s job … and even if that’s the case, it’s not like there is anything at stake if the protagonist fails in his goal beside faceless victims. (For instance, could the protagonist be about to be kicked off the force, and he needs to do this job well in order to keep his job?) Or — was the victim somehow linked to the protagonist?
– it’s not clear WHY the antagonist is taunting this particular cop. What beef does he have with him? Why taunt him?
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