1. Posted: January 3, 2013In:

    When Earth is threatened by a cosmic war, a young woman with newly-awakened powers becomes mankind's only defense.

    patrockable

    It's strong, but: What is the woman's occupation/strength/flaw? What are her powers? And who is warring with Earth?

    It’s strong, but:

    What is the woman’s occupation/strength/flaw?
    What are her powers?
    And who is warring with Earth?

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  2. Posted: December 30, 2012In:

    When an overworked data analyst mistakenly drives down an infinitely repeating highway, he and his mates must break the loop and get to Vegas.

    patrockable

    Thanks to all for the comments! Good point Bryson and almiiitey about why Vegas is important. Getting to Vegas was their original goal, but once trapped, the main goal is to escape this bizarre highway (and the stakes are obvious). I can see why mentioning Vegas as part of the goal causes confusion.Read more

    Thanks to all for the comments!

    Good point Bryson and almiiitey about why Vegas is important.

    Getting to Vegas was their original goal, but once trapped, the main goal is to escape this bizarre highway (and the stakes are obvious). I can see why mentioning Vegas as part of the goal causes confusion.

    Take two:

    After a wrong turn on the way to Vegas, an overworked analyst and his mates must escape from an infinitely repeating highway.

    Better?

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  3. Posted: December 30, 2012In:

    After a translator?s wife is found murdered and turned into a shadow creature, Charlie must interpret her glitched speech to discover the mystery behind her death.

    patrockable

    Okay here are my thoughts: Cool inciting incident! Strong goal, but interpreting glitched speech doesn't sound very cinematic Is Charlie the translator? It's not clear. Also, no need to use names as it doesn't help sell the script. What are the stakes? "discover the mystery" doesn't feel like a stroRead more

    Okay here are my thoughts:

    Cool inciting incident!

    Strong goal, but interpreting glitched speech doesn’t sound very cinematic

    Is Charlie the translator? It’s not clear. Also, no need to use names as it doesn’t help sell the script.

    What are the stakes? “discover the mystery” doesn’t feel like a strong enough motive.

    Main character’s flaw?

    Here’s my re-wording:

    When his murdered wife is resurrected as a shadow creature, a ::insert flaw here:: translator must interpret her glitched speech to capture her killer.

    Hope that helps!

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