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An incisive detective imprisons a man who is murdered in prison while innocent, so he resigns out of remorse to free unjustly incarcerated people in defiance of the system he once defended.
Unless this is for a TV show, I would try personalizing the logline. For instance, instead of working to free unjustly incarcerated people, the story should be about a specific incarcerated person, and the stakes should be high. "A detective races against the clock to prove a prisoner sentenced to dRead more
Unless this is for a TV show, I would try personalizing the logline. For instance, instead of working to free unjustly incarcerated people, the story should be about a specific incarcerated person, and the stakes should be high.
“A detective races against the clock to prove a prisoner sentenced to death row is innocent, motivated by his own guilt of once putting a man behind bars who was posthumously found innocent.”
See lessWhen the black sleek sports car of a tall dark handsome accountant creates a sensation, he begins to find ways of taking the girl next door on a first date.
This logline is confusing. On first read, my first thought was, how can a sports car take out the girl next door on a date? Is the car like Knight Rider? However, after reading it a couple of times I realized it is the accountant who takes the girl next door out. Also, "...He begins to find ways ofRead more
This logline is confusing. On first read, my first thought was, how can a sports car take out the girl next door on a date? Is the car like Knight Rider?
However, after reading it a couple of times I realized it is the accountant who takes the girl next door out.
Also, “…He begins to find ways of taking out the girl next door on a first date.”
As a general rule, don’t use the word begins in a logline.
But mostly this line is a bit clunky.
Finally, I am not sure from your logline, whether the story is about the first date.
Or does the story end when she finally says yes?
There is a story here, but I would take another pass at the logline.
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“When his sleek black sports car creates a sensation, a tall dark handsome accountant takes the leap and finally asks the girl next door out on a date.”
The richest man in the solar system wants to colonize the stars with his newly invented faster-than-light technology, but every power mad government and greedy corporation will stop at nothing to take it for themselves.
I would take out the word 'struggles.' You might also make this into a David vs Goliath story as well. An Example: ----- "After developing a faster-than-light spaceship, a (broke genius) races against time to find a colonizable world before a greedy megacorp steals his technology." ----- He's the liRead more
I would take out the word ‘struggles.’
You might also make this into a David vs Goliath story as well.
An Example:
—–
“After developing a faster-than-light spaceship, a (broke genius) races against time to find a colonizable world before a greedy megacorp steals his technology.”
—–
He’s the little guy, the everyman who has discovered this technology which he will use to help better humankind. But there is a ‘specific’ bad guy who works for a ‘specific’ megacorp, who are the bad guys. Who just want the technology for their own greedy purposes.
Hope that helped.
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