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When the black sleek sports car of a tall dark handsome accountant creates a sensation, he begins to find ways of taking the girl next door on a first date.
This logline is confusing. On first read, my first thought was, how can a sports car take out the girl next door on a date? Is the car like Knight Rider? However, after reading it a couple of times I realized it is the accountant who takes the girl next door out. Also, "...He begins to find ways ofRead more
This logline is confusing. On first read, my first thought was, how can a sports car take out the girl next door on a date? Is the car like Knight Rider?
However, after reading it a couple of times I realized it is the accountant who takes the girl next door out.
Also, “…He begins to find ways of taking out the girl next door on a first date.”
As a general rule, don’t use the word begins in a logline.
But mostly this line is a bit clunky.
Finally, I am not sure from your logline, whether the story is about the first date.
Or does the story end when she finally says yes?
There is a story here, but I would take another pass at the logline.
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“When his sleek black sports car creates a sensation, a tall dark handsome accountant takes the leap and finally asks the girl next door out on a date.”
The richest man in the solar system wants to colonize the stars with his newly invented faster-than-light technology, but every power mad government and greedy corporation will stop at nothing to take it for themselves.
I would take out the word 'struggles.' You might also make this into a David vs Goliath story as well. An Example: ----- "After developing a faster-than-light spaceship, a (broke genius) races against time to find a colonizable world before a greedy megacorp steals his technology." ----- He's the liRead more
I would take out the word ‘struggles.’
You might also make this into a David vs Goliath story as well.
An Example:
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“After developing a faster-than-light spaceship, a (broke genius) races against time to find a colonizable world before a greedy megacorp steals his technology.”
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He’s the little guy, the everyman who has discovered this technology which he will use to help better humankind. But there is a ‘specific’ bad guy who works for a ‘specific’ megacorp, who are the bad guys. Who just want the technology for their own greedy purposes.
Hope that helped.
See less“A caregivers journal, with accounts of her experience, gets in the hand of a young person revealing many hidden secrets.”
The second attempt at the logline is better. It is written from the perspective of the lead character/couple. You might want to add stakes to your logline, but only if it can be said in a word or two. --- One more thing. I like putting what sets the story in motion as high as possible in the loglineRead more
The second attempt at the logline is better.
It is written from the perspective of the lead character/couple.
You might want to add stakes to your logline, but only if it can be said in a word or two.
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One more thing.
I like putting what sets the story in motion as high as possible in the logline, although that is a matter of taste. For instance:
When they unearth a forgotten journal, a young couple grappling with the aftermath of war and newfound responsibilities…
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Good luck with this!