Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source, he must take on dangerous assignments over the course of one night, in an attempt to save his marriage and family.
>> When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source,Great start!>> he must take on dangerous assignmentsVague. If this is most of Act II, specify one assignment or what connects them or something.>> in an attempt to save his marriage and faRead more
>> When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source,
Great start!
>> he must take on dangerous assignments
Vague. If this is most of Act II, specify one assignment or what connects them or something.
>> in an attempt to save his marriage and family.
This is implied by saying he’s a family man. Cutting it frees the space to paint more of the picture.
My two cents.
See lessWhen a young black man from the inner city starts to work for a powerful businessman, he spirals into the ruthless world of organized crime and must not only find a way out, but also outsmart the FBI.
>>? he must deliver a person of interest within a week. If not, his family is in danger.This is most or half the story, right? If yes, the logline needs it as it's the hook and the stakes. Then tell us the conflict in trying to deliver the person.>> When a young black man from the innerRead more
>>? he must deliver a person of interest within a week. If not, his family is in danger.
This is most or half the story, right? If yes, the logline needs it as it’s the hook and the stakes. Then tell us the conflict in trying to deliver the person.
>> When a young black man from the inner city
The character being black is not as significant as being from the inner city, unless it’s clarified that race is important to the story.
>>starts to work for a powerful businessman, he spirals into the ruthless world of organized crime
This can be smoother and shorter by saying the businessman is a crime boss or whatever.
>> but also outsmart the FBI.
This can likely be cut since it’s the secondary conflict and there’s not enough space to clarify it.
My two cents.
See lessOn a drunken dare, two disgruntled NASA interns plot to secretly deliver a sample of super-bacteria to Mars, transforming the face of the Red Planet forever. Title: Green Planet
On top of that...If the reader is supposed to root for the interns, then how can he when they're trying to poison Mars? Or if the reader is supposed to enjoy them taking a wrong path, then what exactly makes this enjoyable? Clarify the hook.My two cents.
On top of that…
If the reader is supposed to root for the interns, then how can he when they’re trying to poison Mars? Or if the reader is supposed to enjoy them taking a wrong path, then what exactly makes this enjoyable? Clarify the hook.
My two cents.
See less