1. Posted: May 8, 2020In:

    When? a young? detective gets challenged by a killer, he will have to ask help to his wise mentor? with whom he had? fought hard.

    savinh0 Samurai

    Young is rarely a good description for? a main character, but I get where you're coming from in your logline: the detective is inexperienced and thus has to find help by asking his mentor. But better if you go with inexperienced or half-baked. That's a more visual description and states his flaw inRead more

    Young is rarely a good description for? a main character, but I get where you’re coming from in your logline: the detective is inexperienced and thus has to find help by asking his mentor.

    But better if you go with inexperienced or half-baked. That’s a more visual description and states his flaw in a clearer way.

    Also: replace challenged with something more urgent. Maybe they kidnap someone close to the detective or someone else, just give the character a clear visual goal he has to take on as an active part of the story. Right now, he is just asking his mentor for help. But it’s your main character (detective) we want to see achieve the goal of your story.

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  2. Posted: May 5, 2020In:

    When a young homeless woman is confronted by an evil older male blackmailer, who holds the key to her secret, she must choose between her dignity and a roof over her head. (this is for a scene, but I’m requested to submit a logline for it).

    savinh0 Samurai

    Why does the blackmailer hold the key for her getting a roof over her head? Is he rich or something? Does he offer her a roof in exchange for what? As a reader, I have more questions than answers when I read this logline. Also, you write that the man?holds the key to her secret.? That's too vague foRead more

    Why does the blackmailer hold the key for her getting a roof over her head? Is he rich or something? Does he offer her a roof in exchange for what?

    As a reader, I have more questions than answers when I read this logline.

    Also, you write that the man?holds the key to her secret.? That’s too vague for a description.? Why does an evil old man blackmail a homeless person. Why is he interested in her?

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  3. Posted: May 5, 2020In:

    A group of women back from the dead get revenge against bullies who tormented them when they were in high school.

    savinh0 Samurai

    Hey Tony! Your concept reminds me of ?13 Reasons Why?. A few points regarding your logline: what is the obstacle for the women in your story? They get revenge, okay. But what is standing in their way? You can have revenge in a matter of seconds, so you have to have more in order to build a feature sRead more

    Hey Tony! Your concept reminds me of ?13 Reasons Why?.

    A few points regarding your logline:

    • what is the obstacle for the women in your story? They get revenge, okay. But what is standing in their way? You can have revenge in a matter of seconds, so you have to have more in order to build a feature screenplay.
    • your intended genre is comedy. What are funny elements in your story? I don?t see any hints in your logline, so best if you try to add them into your logline.
    • also: don?t include the ending in your logline (they get revenge) if that is their final goal, maybe go for:?try to get revenge?or they want to?find their bullies to get revenge.

    After a? clique of tormented women rise again from the dead, they try to find each bully from their past high school years in order to get revenge.

    But again, what are the comedic elements? For me it is more a kind of horror or thriller story.

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