1. Posted: June 7, 2020In:

    Hey guys, I shot a short film and need a little help on my logline. It’s been bothering me for months! It’s a romantic comedy. Short film. Do any of you have any suggestions on cleaning it up? Would love any help I could get. Thanks guys. “After burying themselves in their work and away from their friends, Two broken-hearted Twenty somethings are taken for a night out by their respective friends, only to cross paths over a game of pool, and falling for each other in the process.”

    savinh0 Samurai

    Great work, Richiev! I like your new version "...over a game of pool with emotional stakes higher than the winning shot." It raises the stakes quite literally and it also adds a mysterious flavour to your romantic story. Are you going to shoot the film by yourself? Well, your logline is working now!

    Great work, Richiev!

    I like your new version “…over a game of pool with emotional stakes higher than the winning shot.”

    It raises the stakes quite literally and it also adds a mysterious flavour to your romantic story.

    Are you going to shoot the film by yourself? Well, your logline is working now!

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  2. Posted: June 7, 2020In:

    When a global pandemic strikes, a construction crew in the midst of building a mysterious billionaire’s remote New Zealand bunker attempt to save themselves by sheltering inside it. However, they risk their own lives when their client arrives wanting to use it and they refuse to leave.

    savinh0 Samurai

    Hi! A few things for you: Construction crew is not the best description for your main characters. A little vague. Try to punch it down and use a clearer formulation. They hide inside the bunker, and their client wants to use it as well. Well, they could use it all together, not? They refuse to leaveRead more

    Hi!

    A few things for you:

    • Construction crew is not the best description for your main characters. A little vague. Try to punch it down and use a clearer formulation.
    • They hide inside the bunker, and their client wants to use it as well. Well, they could use it all together, not?
    • They refuse to leave? Okay. But what happens after that? Are they going to fight each other? Are they going to kill him? They are a crew, so they could easily stay inside the bunker and not let him in. This makes not sense to me.
    • Your logline formula is okay. But you have to shorten it, it’s too long right now with 47 words.
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  3. Posted: June 7, 2020In:

    When a geek loner forms an unlikely friendship with the bad boy new kid, they set out to help each other get their dream date for prom – the two most popular girls in school.

    savinh0 Samurai

    Hey darkhorse,glad to read a logline of you here again!I like your idea. In fact, I would love to see this movie in the theater.The concept is really good: you have irony in here with two totally different characters (as your description implies): one geek, one bad guy. That's some real trouble forRead more

    Hey darkhorse,

    glad to read a logline of you here again!

    I like your idea. In fact, I would love to see this movie in the theater.

    The concept is really good: you have irony in here with two totally different characters (as your description implies): one geek, one bad guy. That’s some real trouble for both of them. Then you have a clear goal (get their dream date) and some urgency (prom) as a ticking time bomb. Great!

    The only thing that keeps bothering me is: how are you going to contrast their two totally different character traits and how are you going to build conflict into your story?

    Don’t get me wrong: trying to convince these two popular girls to go to the prom with them is fun stuff, but they both are trying to attract a different girl, so there is not enough conflict between those two main characters in my opinion to sustain a whole film plot. I get what you are trying to do here: two totally different characters try to help each other get their dream date. But why do they even team up in the first place? What event/reason is causing them to team up?

    For example, and this is a totally different story concept, the geek helps the bad guy, but then falls in love with the girl, too. This is only an example, but I hope you get what I’m trying to say.

    Think about the reason why they team up in the first place and also how you can build tension between these two main characters to make a whole story out of it.

    They should stand in the way of each other. That is fun to watch!

    Hope this helps!

    Btw: I love high school rom-coms. Would love to read your script someday!

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