1. Posted: June 10, 2020In:

    In the near future a young woman works for a corrupt committee imposing radical parental exams on couples to control population growth.

    savinh0 Samurai

    Hey there,this sentence implies what your story is going to be about (a kind of sci-fi dystopian future), but what is the 'young woman' in your story actually doing in this supposed-to-be film? She works for this corrupt committee, yes, but what is she doing in terms of the plot to push the story foRead more

    Hey there,

    this sentence implies what your story is going to be about (a kind of sci-fi dystopian future), but what is the ‘young woman’ in your story actually doing in this supposed-to-be film? She works for this corrupt committee, yes, but what is she doing in terms of the plot to push the story forward? Is she turning against this committee and trying to undermine it so she can save couples? Is she getting pregnanted by herself and wants to quit her job, but can’t do it without getting in danger?

    Best if you try to figure out who your protagonist is and what he/she is going to do/have to do.

    The concept and setting sound really interesting though!

    All the best with it!

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: June 10, 2020In:

    A young woman, with the aid of her odd-ball friends learns to love life again after heartbreak.

    savinh0 Samurai

    Hey drewfoxsmith,I see you posted your first logline here. Welcome!First of all: have you read the formula on how successful loglines should be written? You can find it above right next to START HERE.Your logline should have a main character (young woman), an inciting incident (call for action) andRead more

    Hey drewfoxsmith,

    I see you posted your first logline here. Welcome!

    First of all: have you read the formula on how successful loglines should be written? You can find it above right next to START HERE.

    Your logline should have a main character (young woman), an inciting incident (call for action) and a goal your protagonist tries to achieve.

    In your case, you have a main character (young woman), but the other two elements are missing. So ask yourself this:

      • what does my main character want (that’s the goal of the story; like finding a partner)?

     

      • what is the inciting incident in my story (e.g.: when the young woman gets fired)?

     

      • also: don’t use descriptions like ‘young’ when describing your main character: better go with a flaw like ‘abandoned’.

    Your first attempt isn’t bad, but what you wrote here is mostly a summary of the plot with the life lesson of your main character. But your logline should be about the visual goal your character goes after in your story.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: June 6, 2020In:

    A dangerous serial killer charms his way into a single Mom’s life which brings a talented FBI agent out of retirement to work on the case whilst supernatural Neptune is also awakened to help.

    savinh0 Samurai

    Please don't post your logline twice the next time.On to your logline:It's a little bit confusing. First of all, you shouldn't use the names of the characters in a logline. Only use character traits or descriptions like "an abondened single mom" or "an alcoholic fbi agent". We don't need to know theRead more

    Please don’t post your logline twice the next time.

    On to your logline:

    It’s a little bit confusing. First of all, you shouldn’t use the names of the characters in a logline. Only use character traits or descriptions like “an abondened single mom” or “an alcoholic fbi agent”. We don’t need to know their specific names in a logline.

    Also, what does the hero “Sea God Neptune” have to do with the fbi agent and the story in itself? I can’t read any connection out of your concept.

    Your different plot elements have to be intertwined in your story and all be part of a larger context. I don’t see it here with your logline.

    See less
    • 0