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While investigating the darker parts of his corrupt city, a teenaged aristocrat is beguiled and betrayed by a brilliant young drug lord with a troubled past.
Is there any connection between the plot and his "aristocrat" background? You should focus more on a specific flaw or maybe put in some contrast into the character that is diametrically opposed to his goal. Otherwise, as mentioned above, there is no clear goal stated in your logline. What is your MCRead more
Is there any connection between the plot and his “aristocrat” background?
See lessYou should focus more on a specific flaw or maybe put in some contrast into the character that is diametrically opposed to his goal.
Otherwise, as mentioned above, there is no clear goal stated in your logline. What is your MC striving for?
And what are the stakes you need to bring in tension into your story.
I also don’t see a connection between your logline and your genre. This sounds more like a crime drama.
Tiger
The inciting incident in this logline is not clearly stated. Better write something like this: After the death of the tiger she was taking care of, a scared single mother has to tame an untamable tiger to save her job as a zookeeper. But to be honest, I don't see this objective goal as enough for aRead more
The inciting incident in this logline is not clearly stated. Better write something like this: After the death of the tiger she was taking care of, a scared single mother has to tame an untamable tiger to save her job as a zookeeper.
See lessBut to be honest, I don’t see this objective goal as enough for a whole story. What does taming exactly mean?
And why is she dependent on the job? Does she have debt or is it her favorite job?
Young, desperate criminal Anthony Secorro and his small gang deal with the horrific consequenses of committing a strong-armed robbery during an exorcism.
Your MC doesn't need a name in your logline. Just describe his main flaw and what he actually is, like a teacher, student, cop or murder. I think you can cut the terminology "young" and choose just desperate instead. I would also describe the consequences the gang has to deal with after the robbery.Read more
Your MC doesn’t need a name in your logline. Just describe his main flaw and what he actually is, like a teacher, student, cop or murder.
See lessI think you can cut the terminology “young” and choose just desperate instead.
I would also describe the consequences the gang has to deal with after the robbery. I mean there are thousand of potential ways your story can follow, so you have to be more specific in order to make your story stand out.