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When a gang member’s girl scout kid sister threatens to disown him after he was convicted for vandalism yet again, he promises to help her make the entire town litter-free during his remaining days of freedom.
That first idea is not far off from an idea Mike Pedley had, where at the end, the judge just says community service has been fulfilled because of everything he's done... it's just in advance... which I guess can lead to some uncomfortable moments with the locals, but realistically, I'd expect they'Read more
That first idea is not far off from an idea Mike Pedley had, where at the end, the judge just says community service has been fulfilled because of everything he’s done… it’s just in advance… which I guess can lead to some uncomfortable moments with the locals, but realistically, I’d expect they’d ignore him.
The Groundhog Day thing seems fun, and it could go that way, but I’m not inspired by it at least not yet. The reason I wanted to do this is I was actually picking up litter and getting thanked, and wondered about promoting my films on a T-shirt…then I wondered…well, could I help spread other messages with the t-shirt? Could it become a Greta Thunberg thing? Probably not, but what if?
See lessWhen a gang member’s girl scout kid sister threatens to disown him after he was convicted for vandalism yet again, he promises to help her make the entire town litter-free during his remaining days of freedom.
I was attracted to the idea when I thought about how people show appreciation toward strangers who pick up litter, and I thought, well, where could that go? However, I don't see that fitting into the structure of a "proper logline". What I've been noticing, however, is that there's the "proper form"Read more
I was attracted to the idea when I thought about how people show appreciation toward strangers who pick up litter, and I thought, well, where could that go? However, I don’t see that fitting into the structure of a “proper logline”. What I’ve been noticing, however, is that there’s the “proper form” of a logline, then I see a “jazzed up” version that focuses on the hook. If I were to write it with a focus on what attracts me to the concept, it’d be:
When a gang member upsets his kid sister with his vandalism, he agrees to help her make the town litter-free, and wins over the hearts of millions in the process.
There’s no conflict there, no sense of urgency, but the hook I’m going for is there. That’s the type of loglines I see listed on IMDb most often. What do you think?
Another option is just appending to what I have:
When a gang member’s girl scout kid sister threatens to disown him after he was convicted for vandalism yet again, he promises to help her make the entire town litter-free during his remaining days of freedom, and wins over the hearts of millions in the process.
I think the extra detail isn’t going to fill the seat though, although it’s useful to have that structure in mind when crafting the plot.
See lessWhen a magical spirit reveals the world’s destructive fate, an introverted high school girl must flee her privileged upbringing and journey through an impoverished land to find a saviour, which she later learns is actually herself, and confront the powerful government of the city before the world collapses beneath her feet.
The low-hanging fruit given this current iteration of the logline is that you can easily pull out "and journey through an impoverished land to find a saviour, which she later learns is actually herself,". That part is the plot, but doesn't need to be in the logline. So you have the protagonist, theRead more
The low-hanging fruit given this current iteration of the logline is that you can easily pull out “and journey through an impoverished land to find a saviour, which she later learns is actually herself,”. That part is the plot, but doesn’t need to be in the logline.
So you have the protagonist, the high school girl, the goal… to save the world… the conflict… confronting the powerful government. The stakes… end of the world. The urgency… have to do the goal before the world ends….
The inciting incident I think you should change. Learning about the end of the world is a lost opportunity to tie in HOW a high school student ended up in this mess. Maybe have the inciting incident be like when the kids walked into the closet in Narnia. The “how they ended up in never-never land”.
You can trim it down, like for example with my first suggestion, but… all the pieces in the formula are there, which is great. But I think ironing out the hook will be more challenging.
Why do people care about your story? I see this notion of a privileged girl journeying into an impoverished land, which is interesting, but it doesn’t look like she has to overcome that privilege in order to save the world. It’s like when I toured Ward 9 on a bus tour a year after Hurricane Katrina happened. However, Ebenezer Scrooge must learn generosity to save Tiny Tim, for instance. That is a meaningful character arc that is interesting to the reader.
I’m thinking something like this:
When a privileged high school girl is lured by a magical spirit into another world, she must lead the rebellion of its impoverished, enslaved people and overthrow a powerful monarchy before she is allowed to return home.
Okay…it doesn’t have to go all Braveheart…. can keep it non-Bravehearty…
When a privileged high school girl is lured by a magical spirit into another world, she must save an impoverished, enslaved people from a powerful monarchy before she is allowed to return home.
Either way, you don’t need any details of a mountain, or how she tries to save them.
See less