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Ramona, an introverted high school girl, unknowingly helps a disguised magical spirit, and in return is awakened to the inevitable destructive fate of her world. Ramona must flee her seemingly protected, privileged city and upbringing, to journey through an impoverished but enchanting land to reach the world’s one true saviour, who is to be found on top of a distant mountain.
Dpg's response as always is insightful and makes great points. My initial thoughts had more to do with shaving off a lot of the extra detail to highlight the meat of the story. Ultimately it's a girl who learns of the end of the world and has to go on some journey to stop it. It's interesting that sRead more
Dpg’s response as always is insightful and makes great points.
My initial thoughts had more to do with shaving off a lot of the extra detail to highlight the meat of the story. Ultimately it’s a girl who learns of the end of the world and has to go on some journey to stop it. It’s interesting that she’s privileged and young, and has to go on such a consequential mission and through in an obviously uncomfortable setting. How she came across the information, from a magical spirit, is also fun and tells a lot of the character of the story, so I’d also include that, but I don’t think it’s important to explain in the logline WHY the spirit helps her.
So I think all this can be a bit tighter. I’ll also make a first effort to incorporate dpg’s feedback.
When an privileged high school girl learns from a magical spirit of the world’s impending doom, she must journey to the top of a mountain in an impoverished land to find the one who can tell her how to stop it.
See lessWhen a dead beat accidentally gets injected with an experimental brain implant giving him the ability to learn anything instantly, he must use his new abilities to take down the nefarious group who’ll stop at nothing to get the implant back
I'd guess this could be addressed by just changing "instantly" to "with extraordinary speed". Otherwise, I think this logline is fine, no? Also, deadbeat I don't think needs a space in it.
I’d guess this could be addressed by just changing “instantly” to “with extraordinary speed”. Otherwise, I think this logline is fine, no? Also, deadbeat I don’t think needs a space in it.
See lessAfter cyborgs invade their planet, a cyborg hunter and his crew must stop them from destroying the human race.
Change “invades” to “invade” and remove “by an evil emperor” and you have a mostly okay logline. The only thing is “their” and “them” are ambiguous. You need to change the wording to fix that.
Change “invades” to “invade” and remove “by an evil emperor” and you have a mostly okay logline. The only thing is “their” and “them” are ambiguous. You need to change the wording to fix that.
See less