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When an indicted small-time thief learns of her boy scout kid brother’s ambition to make their crime-ridden town litter-free, she must spend her remaining days of freedom helping him while keeping him safe.
Well, I initially had her as a drug dealer, going for the irony I think you're suggesting, and I got feedback that it sounded "dichotomous" ... I agreed and realized the drug dealer aspect of it was a little distracting and unnecessary... so, I made her a thief. I figured she'd have street smarts asRead more
Well, I initially had her as a drug dealer, going for the irony I think you’re suggesting, and I got feedback that it sounded “dichotomous” … I agreed and realized the drug dealer aspect of it was a little distracting and unnecessary… so, I made her a thief. I figured she’d have street smarts as a thief, but if I kept it as “small time”, it’d up the danger a bit. Someone well-established and older likely would be better off. Still, maybe it doesn’t add enough to warrant the extra words.
Your second point is something I was thinking about. Technically-speaking, the reason she has to help is because, if he doesn’t get it done, he’s going to have to continue on without her. What about this?
When a convicted thief learns of her boy scout kid brother’s ambition to clean up their crime-ridden town’s infamous litter, she must spend her remaining days of freedom helping him get it done while she can ensure his safety.
See lessWhen an indicted small-time thief learns of her boy scout kid brother’s ambition to make their crime-ridden town litter-free, she must spend her remaining days of freedom helping him while keeping him safe.
As the logline morphed a bit, yeah, it makes sense for me to change indicted to "convicted". I looked it up...sentences do take a bit of time to happen afterward. As for the crime, I'm not sure if there actually has to be likely danger... I'm not going to let some kid I care about wander around a baRead more
As the logline morphed a bit, yeah, it makes sense for me to change indicted to “convicted”. I looked it up…sentences do take a bit of time to happen afterward.
As for the crime, I’m not sure if there actually has to be likely danger… I’m not going to let some kid I care about wander around a bad area if I can help it. There needs to be a “must”, so I figured it was a good reason for why she HAS to do it. I could say “she promises to help” in order to keep him happy. The safety angle seemed to ring more true to me. But I guess I’m relying on the danger for the “challenge” now. Before I had “crime-ridden town’s infamous squalor”…. so the amount of trash was imposing:
When a convicted small-time thief learns of her boy scout kid brother’s ambition to clean up the infamous litter of their their crime-ridden town, she must spend her remaining days of freedom helping him while keeping him safe.
Better?
I do actually have a slightly more complex but bittersweet way to tie the two strands together though, which is why I started going for the criminal angle with this plot… the publicity she gets leads to her linked to a bigger crime, and her sentence turns from possibly just probation to likely years, but the community still looks out for her folks and the town… It’d also save me from having to have a courtroom location. 🙂
See lessWhen a persistent novice realtor discovers her condescending boss is bankrolling his fancy lifestyle using client escrow funds, she hires an investigator to dig deeper, but he catches on and hires a hit-man to silence her.
I think this reads a bit better: When she discovers her boss has embezzled millions, a novice realtor must evade his hitman while searching for the smoking gun that will put him away.
I think this reads a bit better:
When she discovers her boss has embezzled millions, a novice realtor must evade his hitman while searching for the smoking gun that will put him away.
See less