1. Posted: July 15, 2020In:

    When an ex-con returns home to find his estranged daughter depressed by an ugly world, he aims to make the entire town litter-free in an attempt to win her back.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    Okay, so the problem I was having is that it seemed weird to have "must" for something relating to picking up trash... and I see why you were leaning toward "clean up the place"... litter seems like an oddly specific choice. But it's achievable and concrete, unlike also including removing all the grRead more

    Okay, so the problem I was having is that it seemed weird to have “must” for something relating to picking up trash… and I see why you were leaning toward “clean up the place”… litter seems like an oddly specific choice. But it’s achievable and concrete, unlike also including removing all the graffiti, getting people off the streets, sheltering stray animals, maybe lessening crime… it’s ambiguous, which was part of dpg’s feedback was when I tried to not be so specific. And mike was thinking that an ex-con with an estranged daughter was painfully cliche. He thought the terminal man with lung cancer was better… but I thought that was just as cliche.

    So after all of the feedback I’ve gotten, what do you think of this?

    When an indicted drug-dealer finds her kid brother depressed by her town’s infamous squalor, she must help him make it litter-free before her court date in an effort to see him smile again.

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  2. Posted: July 16, 2020In:

    When a female engineer with a typical male name is hired to the project of her dreams and confronts her boss’ shock that he, in fact, hired a woman, she must overcome attitudes of “boys club” sexism in order to maintain her position on the team.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    It's a solid plot. There's an interesting, smart protagonist. There's conflict. There's a lot at stake, although I think you can go farther than just talking about her position. That's not all she's fighting for. It's also a bit wordy. Maybe this? When a female engineer gets accidentally hired by aRead more

    It’s a solid plot. There’s an interesting, smart protagonist. There’s conflict. There’s a lot at stake, although I think you can go farther than just talking about her position. That’s not all she’s fighting for. It’s also a bit wordy. Maybe this?

    When a female engineer gets accidentally hired by a misogynistic manager, she must combat the company’s rampant sexism for the sake of both her career and her dignity.

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  3. Posted: July 15, 2020In:

    When an ex-con returns home to find his estranged daughter depressed by an ugly world, he aims to make the entire town litter-free in an attempt to win her back.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    There's an element to the story I'd like to preserve where the litter cleaning gets public attention, and that unexpected fame leads to "good intentions getting punished", for a bittersweet ending. I agree that the ex-con and estranged daughter is cliche, but I was feeling that being terminal with lRead more

    There’s an element to the story I’d like to preserve where the litter cleaning gets public attention, and that unexpected fame leads to “good intentions getting punished”, for a bittersweet ending. I agree that the ex-con and estranged daughter is cliche, but I was feeling that being terminal with lung-cancer was also horribly cliche. I’ve been trying to avoid cliches, and that’s why I knew I wanted to change out the cancer, but… I find when you don’t have one of these extraordinary tropes, people just don’t seem to care about the story. Inevitably an ex-con is going to have estranged children. I came up with this alternative:

    When an indicted drug-dealer sees her kid brother depressed by an ugly world, she aims to make their entire town litter-free before her upcoming trial in an attempt to make him smile again.

    I can see it having a bit of a “Buffaloed” vibe, maybe making it start out as a big PR stunt.

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