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While fighting with a group of survivors against deadly man-eating monsters inside the underground laboratory, Rita is trying to find her missing brother. Version 2
No need for "young", IMO. Not crazy about "traumatized" either. If she's the protag, that quality trait will eventually wear off, and frankly anyone in that situation would be traumatized, so it doesn't really separate them from anyone else. "Somehow involved in the chaos" sounds to me that even YOURead more
No need for “young”, IMO. Not crazy about “traumatized” either. If she’s the protag, that quality trait will eventually wear off, and frankly anyone in that situation would be traumatized, so it doesn’t really separate them from anyone else.
“Somehow involved in the chaos” sounds to me that even YOU don’t know how he’s involved. This part is too vague. Do not hesitate giving info to make the story clear.
“When trapped in an underground lab, a resourceful (adroit, intrepid) woman must fight man-eating monsters to find her estranged scientist brother who, she thinks, may be responsible for creating them.” (28 words)
With this logline, I’ve described the woman in a more active, heroic, way, and added “estranged” to ratchet the conflict between her and her. Making him responsible for these monsters makes the reader wonder if he did it on purpose or not.
Hope this helps!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge
See lessAs a naive teen prepares her wedding, she learns about a curse placed upon her village, and must now confront a witch to stop the locals from cannibalism! Version 2
It IS much better, but it still seems a bit random, so I'm not sure if it's the logline or the concept itself (only you know for sure, since you know the story). This is why loglines are so important to develop at the START of a draft, as it highlights the weaknesses in the concept and story. In thiRead more
It IS much better, but it still seems a bit random, so I’m not sure if it’s the logline or the concept itself (only you know for sure, since you know the story). This is why loglines are so important to develop at the START of a draft, as it highlights the weaknesses in the concept and story.
In this case, there doesn’t seem to be a natural relationship between the girl being naive, her upcoming wedding, the curse and the act of cannibalism. That has to be made much more clear.
Secondly, the tone: I’m not sure about Richiev, but I can’t tell if it’s a horror or a comedy, or a documentary, for that matter. The tone HAS to tell the genre, or at least hint at it.
Concentrate on those two issues and play around with it some more.
“After a desperate girl is FINALLY next in line to be wedded, she discovers that she’s released a witch’s curse and must now save her prospective groom from cannabilistic villagers!” (30 words)
With this logline, there is an understood relationship between the wedding, the curse and the result of the curse. It highlights her outer conflict (saving her groom from cannibals), and her inner conflict (desperate, FINALLY getting married). This has more of a comedic tone to it (Bridesmaids meets Walking Dead), as your bride-to-be is clearly the ACTIVE protag, and stands to be the hero or the take-out dinner. There is irony galore, and she has to choose between going through with her long-awaited marriage or having her groom, and others, eaten. Most importantly, there is a strong hook- it is unique and fresh (literally)!
Hope this example helps.
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge
See lessWhile fighting with a group of survivors against deadly man-eating monsters inside the underground laboratory, Rita is trying to find her missing brother. Version 2
"...is trying" is passive. You want to write in the assertive voice "tries", but even then, someone 'trying" is not active. Trying to find someone missing can be shortened to "searches". "When trapped in an underground lab, a (description) (protag) fights man-eating monsters while searching for herRead more
“…is trying” is passive. You want to write in the assertive voice “tries”, but even then, someone ‘trying” is not active. Trying to find someone missing can be shortened to “searches”.
“When trapped in an underground lab, a (description) (protag) fights man-eating monsters while searching for her brother who is (ironic conflict).”
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman) judge.
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