sharkeatingman – Reviews – Page 3

Posted: January 28, 2013In: Public

A novice hit woman accidentally kills her first employer and now must take out an avenging mob when they threaten to kill her family and relatives.

Added an answer on January 29, 2013 at 12:27 am

My first reaction was "Brilliant- both concept and logline!" Can it be improved upon? Perhaps (I would change "take out" to "take on"), but I don't think it could be improved overall enough to even touch it (with the possible exception of "on" for "out"). The concept is what blows me away- pun intenRead more

My first reaction was “Brilliant- both concept and logline!” Can it be improved upon? Perhaps (I would change “take out” to “take on”), but I don’t think it could be improved overall enough to even touch it (with the possible exception of “on” for “out”).

The concept is what blows me away- pun intended. It is so simple, so basic, that if it hasn’t been done before, I’d be shocked. But if it hasn’t, I predict, if written well and as a comedy (or even dark comedy), it will draw a tremendous amount of interest ($$$). Making the hit man a woman is an excellent twist as well. I see it as a real accident, meeting with the Godfather, and when checking the gun, having it accidentally go off, hitting him square between the eyes. There are so many ways this can go, and you immediately see the story in the one sentence.

I’m jealous! Great job.

Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge

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Posted: January 21, 2013In: Public

Alice Archibald, a former Cambridge Professor, takes on her new job as a high school English teacher, must put up with with arrogant co-workers and idiotic students, as she tries to forget her recently failed marriage without going nuts.

sharkeatingman

Added an answer on January 21, 2013 at 8:17 am

So, basically, the premise is about a teacher dealing with frustrating people all day? Is that really a story you want to dedicate a year's worth of your life writing? As a logline, you wouldn't mention the protag by name unless it's about a famous person. I'm not aware of Archibald being famous (buRead more

So, basically, the premise is about a teacher dealing with frustrating people all day? Is that really a story you want to dedicate a year’s worth of your life writing?

As a logline, you wouldn’t mention the protag by name unless it’s about a famous person. I’m not aware of Archibald being famous (but maybe she is). “Putting up” with people is hardly compelling. She has to have a real goal, with overwhelming obstacles and serious stakes if she should fail in reaching her goals.

Last but not least, you’ll need a “hook” that separates this story from all others in it’s genre. Oh, speaking about genre, the tone of the logline must clearly demonstrate that genre. Not sure if this is a comedy, a drama, a historical drama, or what, exactly.

If it’s not working as a logline, chances are the story is missing some key elements. The elements of the logline should include protag (hero), antag (bad guy), goal, obstacle, stakes, hook, irony and genre.

Hope that helps a little…

Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge.

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