1. Posted: August 12, 2020In:

    A young LAPD officer seeks the truth about her parent’s murder and to quiet horrific flashbacks from her childhood, but the search puts her in the sights of a serial killer.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Hi Rwhoy12, I’ll give this a go… The concept is interesting. INTENTION: must find the serial killer. * that’s the number goal. OBSTACLE: her own demons. Attempt 1: In the hunt for a serial killer, a young cop must confront her own past trauma, when she finds out it is same man who killed her parentsRead more

    Hi Rwhoy12,

    I’ll give this a go…

    The concept is interesting.

    INTENTION: must find the serial killer. * that’s the number goal.
    OBSTACLE: her own demons.

    Attempt 1:
    In the hunt for a serial killer, a young cop must confront her own past trauma, when she finds out it is same man who killed her parents.

    – The problem with this is it that it needs a hook to separate it from dozens of things just like it.

    Attempt 2:
    In the hunt for a mysterious serial killer, a young cop must confront her own past trauma, when she finds out the killer is her father, who years ago, killed her mother and disappeared.

    – Added a hook.
    – Made it a bit more primal.

    Good luck!

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  2. Posted: August 13, 2020In:

    When her boyfriend’ doctors are unable to treat his fatal illness, an unsophisticated Papuan girl in service to his father must convince him to abandon his traditional medical views and travel to Papua to allow her and her Medicine man grandfather to save is life.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Hi Leon, I’ll give this a go… INTENTION: must convince him to abandon his traditional medical views and travel to Papua to allow her and her Medicine man grandfather to save his life (quite a mouthful.) OBSTACLE: fatal illness/ticking clock. Attempt 1: When traditional medicine is unable to treat heRead more

    Hi Leon,

    I’ll give this a go…

    INTENTION: must convince him to abandon his traditional medical views and travel to Papua to allow her and her Medicine man grandfather to save his life (quite a mouthful.)
    OBSTACLE: fatal illness/ticking clock.

    Attempt 1:
    When traditional medicine is unable to treat her boyfriend’s fatal illness, a Papuan girl must convince her boyfriend’s family of doctors to journey to Papua and allow her Medicine man grandfather to save his life.

    – Hopefully it’s suggested an obstacle is the fact that it’s his “last remaining days”. Of course, a family of doctors would be resistant for their son to spend his remaining days on a “ridiculous pilgrimage”.

    – The “family of doctors” should give us some added conflict. (As in – our protagonist will have to fight and do everything in her power to convince them to see her grandfather. And even during the journey, she’ll still have to win their confidence. A very uphill battle.)

    Apart from that, I honestly think your original logline was pretty good but just needed some trimming.

    Very interesting concept.

    Good luck!

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  3. Posted: August 13, 2020In:

    After a raid by a corrupt government leaves his partner dead, a desperate man uses gang controlled technology to escape his dystopian world to an alternate reality in a bid to replace a version of himself living an idealistic life.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Hi Knightrider1984, After a raid by a corrupt government leaves his partner dead, a desperate man uses gang controlled technology to escape his dystopian world to an alternate reality in a bid to replace a version of himself living an idealistic life. This is a mouthful. We need to keep things simplRead more

    Hi Knightrider1984,

    After a raid by a corrupt government leaves his partner dead, a desperate man uses gang controlled technology to escape his dystopian world to an alternate reality in a bid to replace a version of himself living an idealistic life.

    This is a mouthful. We need to keep things simple. There’s a lot of ideas here that are quite interesting though. However – I don’t think they quite gel.

    INTENTION: must escape from corrupt government agents?
    OBSTACLE: ???

    Attempt 1:
    In order to catch a serial killer, a cop tries out an experimental new technology where he escapes to an alternate reality where he lives a perfect fantasy life, but soon finds himself becoming addicted and losing his grip on reality.

    (I’m hoping this suggests the serial killer is still on the loose and this guy’s real life and lives of loved ones hang in the balance because he’s too busy with his new toy.)

    INTENTION: catch killer.
    OBSTACLE: addiction to this new toy.
    STAKES: people are dying and loved ones in danger as he tries to get rid of addiction and discern what’s real and what isn’t.

    Hope whatever I’ve written gets the ball rolling.

    Anyways – it’s a very, very interesting concept.

    Good luck!

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