1. Posted: November 14, 2019In:

    A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but when children start going missing, they suspect their neighbour ? and set out to prove it.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Changed... A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but when children start going missing, they suspect their neighbour - and set out to prove it. I added a more solid inciting incident.

    Changed…

    A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but when children start going missing, they suspect their neighbour – and set out to prove it.

    I added a more solid inciting incident.

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  2. Posted: November 14, 2019In:

    When two incompetent crews try to rob her bank at the same time, an ambitious bank manager must play one against the other to buy time and save the money.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Here's another crack at it: When rival crews rob the same bank at the same time, a veteran bank robber must remain in control of the situation as his younger peers lose it - in order to get out with the money and his life.  

    Here’s another crack at it:

    When rival crews rob the same bank at the same time, a veteran bank robber must remain in control of the situation as his younger peers lose it – in order to get out with the money and his life.

     

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  3. Posted: November 14, 2019In:

    When two incompetent crews try to rob her bank at the same time, an ambitious bank manager must play one against the other to buy time and save the money.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    For me personally - "old-fashioned" conjures up Mr. Rogers for some reason ha. Or someone very wholesome.I do like the idea. It's like a Western. How about make him "ageing" or "veteran"?When rival crews rob the same bank at the same time, a veteran bank robber struggles to remain in control of theRead more

    For me personally – “old-fashioned” conjures up Mr. Rogers for some reason ha. Or someone very wholesome.
    I do like the idea. It’s like a Western. How about make him “ageing” or “veteran”?

    When rival crews rob the same bank at the same time, a veteran bank robber struggles to remain in control of the situation as his younger peers begin to lose it – as well as get out with the money and his life.

    – that last part not only feels added but need to be carved down.

    -I tried out “simultaneously” instead of “at the same time”. I think the latter works better.?

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