It feels like the logline is your hook. It feels like a good first scene: you just dropped your hero into a nasty situation… and I’m with him… I’m in that house of mirrors with a killer stalking me… and… now what are we going to do about it?

This hero seems to be waiting around for things to happen to him: he’s trapped, he suffers, he becomes a victim. If a hero is passive, then it isn’t quite his story yet.

As it stands the original killer is the hero. He’s probably the guy who trapped the copy-cat, and he’s definitely is the guy trying to kill the copycat.

In reference to that aside (“suffering double vision”). For me that adjective phrase just doesn’t work. It feels retrofitted into the sentence, and only makes sense after I glanced over at the title.

I am worried that the whole killer stalking in a house of mirrors has been done to death and is past parody? Even the Simpson’s had joked about it in an episode (but Homer gets shot immediately, in a play on that whole cliche).

Personally, this logline isn’t grabbing me. The hero is too passive. He seems spineless. It’s about things either being done to him (being undrafted) or things happening to him (falling).

I guess the hero’s goal isn’t clear to me either. I guess the story is about him trying to make the college team, then at the very end, he’s undrafted and joins the mob? (Or is the story mostly about what he does after he has already joined the mob?)