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A Nanny is mysteriously directed to the wrong house and is demanded to kill captive children for a soul hungry Entity whose time is running out to earn immortality; she must choose to save the children and escape or be tortured, forever captive with them.
It runs at over 70 words... My goal is to always try and get loglines down to 30 or under. As mentioned by others above, It is confusing (I had to read the first line 3 times...) -- you present waaaay too many facets of the story... I think I can get the gist of it (but it takes quite a bit of guessRead more
It runs at over 70 words… My goal is to always try and get loglines down to 30 or under.
As mentioned by others above, It is confusing (I had to read the first line 3 times…) — you present waaaay too many facets of the story… I think I can get the gist of it (but it takes quite a bit of guess work…), after a few reads, but a logline should be understandable on the first read… hence the need for brevity and simplicity.
Below is just my spin and not intended to influence your story, but a logline example etc…:
A depressed nanny must escape a house with her and her client’s kid’s lives when the kid’s invisible friend turns out to be a demon from Hell after their souls.
Best of luck.
See lessAfter a night of self destructive drinking a boy (Chris) discovers that his girlfriend (Anna) possesses the ability to remain immortal as long as she does not fall in love. As Chris' family life decays, he runs away from home with Anna to show her a life bereft of love is not one lived.
I'm still finding this confusing. If the boyfriend is the protagonist, and his goal is to "...show her a life without love is a life not worth living", then I'm struggling to find a reason to root for him. It seems a very selfish goal... He wants her to fall in love with him and in doing so ensure hRead more
I’m still finding this confusing. If the boyfriend is the protagonist, and his goal is to “…show her a life without love is a life not worth living”, then I’m struggling to find a reason to root for him. It seems a very selfish goal… He wants her to fall in love with him and in doing so ensure her demise..? Is that really an act of love?
…As a comparison think of the relationship between Arwen and Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings… Arwen, the immortal elf, is the one who wants to sacrifice her immortality to be with Aragorn… But Aragorn, despite being completely besotted, is (initially at least) against it. Eventually he is swayed, but it’s Arwen who’s done the convincing… If it was the other way around we would have zero sympathy for Aragorn and we would be quietly hoping that the returned king would get skewered by a Nazgul on the Pellinor Fields.
The concept seems tricky… I’m not 100% on a way to fix it… But given you have an immortal character maybe you could draw on a fairytaleesque way to solve it… as in, what if her immortality was a curse that was put on her hundreds of years before… She wants to fall in love so she can finally die… She becomes ‘friends’ with a guy whom she trusts enough to confess her dilemma to, and he agrees to help her find a true love… And then of course, he ends up in love with her, and of course, she with him…? Just an idea, not YOUR film, but it’s probably the route I’d go down if it was my idea… Which it’s not…
Anyways, best of luck with it.
See lessWhen a suicidal boy discovers his girlfriend can only die if she falls in love, the two embark on a philosophical adventure to seek out the meaning of life.
I'm really confused -- If the girls dies when she falls in love, does that mean the boyfriend wants to prevent her from falling in love? With him, or someone else (and they're boyfriend and girlfriend and she is obviously not that into him seeing as she's living etc...) Very confusing scenario/ goalRead more
I’m really confused — If the girls dies when she falls in love, does that mean the boyfriend wants to prevent her from falling in love? With him, or someone else (and they’re boyfriend and girlfriend and she is obviously not that into him seeing as she’s living etc…) Very confusing scenario/ goal.
And what relevance does him being suicidal have on the plot? If he’s suicidal, why would he care about 1. Her, and 2. Whether she lives OR dies?
… and seeking out the meaning of life is way too broad in the context of the story you are presenting, and as dpg said — what does that actually look like cinematically?
You need to simplify things — What is the ultimate goal of the boyfriend? Once that’s established, what is the thing that stands in his way of getting it?
Best of luck.
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