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When a penniless young writer steals a suitcase full of ?dirty money? a Yakuza enforcer is sent to track him down. The writer would rather kill himself than be captured but the enforcer is under oath to kill himself if he fails.
OK -- just a few questions: Does he kill himself? If not, does he tell anyone of his plan to kill himself if he's caught? If so, who does he tell and when (1st, 2nd, or 3rd Act , climax etc..)? Lastly -- 'a last ditch effort to save himself from torture AND to avoid placing the people he gave the moRead more
OK — just a few questions:
Does he kill himself?
If not, does he tell anyone of his plan to kill himself if he’s caught?
If so, who does he tell and when (1st, 2nd, or 3rd Act , climax etc..)?
Lastly — ‘a last ditch effort to save himself from torture AND to avoid placing the people he gave the money to in danger…’ — Being prepared to kill himself to save anyone, let alone (I’m assuming) the large number of people at the charity, is a huge thing to do — doing it to also save himself from torture feels like a bit of a contradiction… it has much more power (and he has much more power) if he is doing it only for the innocent charity people. It actually has the potential for a killer (minding the pun) ending — but I might be a tad biased as it’s something I’m considering for the end of what I’m working on… 😉 I guess it could work if he reveals his plan on topping himself when caught to avoid torture near the start, but at the end it’s just ‘for the kids…’… still…
I know loglines can send you insane (they certainly do me…) and I hope you don’t feel I’ve been too harsh. I still like the idea of a protag and antag both being bound to a SEPUKKU… but obviously it’s not this movie.
Good luck.
See lessWhen a penniless young writer steals a suitcase full of ?dirty money? a Yakuza enforcer is sent to track him down. The writer would rather kill himself than be captured but the enforcer is under oath to kill himself if he fails.
Yes, Tor's first point has been the main issue with me in regards to this logline. The fact that the hero is suicidal detracts from the drama -- not only is it internal (unless we are going to see him actually attempt suicide...), but it's an easy out for him. "Enforcer's bearing down on me? No sweaRead more
Yes, Tor’s first point has been the main issue with me in regards to this logline. The fact that the hero is suicidal detracts from the drama — not only is it internal (unless we are going to see him actually attempt suicide…), but it’s an easy out for him. “Enforcer’s bearing down on me? No sweat, I’ll just plummet to my death off this bridge!”…
I think what you are trying to achieve is that both antagonist and protagonist are prepared to die to achieve their goals and that is drama/ stakes. It doesn’t work though, as the Enforcer is UNDER OATH to kill himself if he fails (which is not really suicide…he’s got the Yakuza shoving an honor bound ritual in his face telling him he has to disembowel himself…); he (the enforcer) wants to catch the thief, and therefore avoid having to die by his own sword… The protagonist is under no such pressure. At the moment he’s prepared to kill himself rather than lose a suitcase full of cash… I can’t swallow that.
But — if the protag was under such pressure, as in, he too was honor bound to kill himself if he failed in his mission (previous posts have alluded to the money being needed for a charity/ thousands of innocent people will die…), well, that might work… Like, and just spit-ballin here, what if the protag too was Yakuza and had to get whatever he has stolen to some other senior REBEL Yakuza…? My lack of knowledge on Yakuza politics is probably showing here, and I don’t mean to presume to mess with your story-telling — but, do you get what I mean?
Anyway, good luck with this, as even though there are logline issues I think there are the seeds for a cool movie — especially if the title was ‘SEPUKKU’ (sounds like SEPRICO, and nails the driving concept) 😉
See lessOn the run from a Yakuza enforcer, a young Londoner would rather die than be captured but the enforcer is under oath to kill himself if he fails.
I think that hits the concept -- but just personally I'd want to know why the hero is running from the Enforcer, and from the hero's perspective. Yes, the stakes are suicide... but why? Maybe this would do if you were pitching face to face, but otherwise I think you need the goal stated if it's beinRead more
I think that hits the concept — but just personally I’d want to know why the hero is running from the Enforcer, and from the hero’s perspective. Yes, the stakes are suicide… but why? Maybe this would do if you were pitching face to face, but otherwise I think you need the goal stated if it’s being delivered in written form, i.e. that if he gets caught and the Yakuza get whatever he’s got, then thousands of innocent people will die.
I don’t know. Maybe not. I’d be interested to hear dpg’s take.
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