1. Posted: April 9, 2020In:

    With the help of his undead lost love, a reluctant store manager must return to the island where she was slain to prevent the escape of a primitive evil before the anniversary of her death.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi Odie, I like the idea - and that you have a hero fighting for a dead love. ?I think Nir is right, you need some more clarity between the elements in this logline, or, reading your response to guswakey, I wonder if you need to phrase it completely differently. ?Here are my thoughts: Why HIM and whRead more

    Hi Odie,

    I like the idea – and that you have a hero fighting for a dead love. ?I think Nir is right, you need some more clarity between the elements in this logline, or, reading your response to guswakey, I wonder if you need to phrase it completely differently. ?Here are my thoughts:

    • Why HIM and why he MUST stop the evil escaping needs to made clear in the logline.
    • You say only he can save his girl…but she’s already dead. ?Is it her soul he’s saving?
    • What will the evil do if it escapes? ?Is this the stakes or is his girl the stakes? ?Or both?
    • I agree, maybe steering clear of ‘corpse’ is a good thing! LOL… are we talking more an enchanting spirit/sexy ghost/basically a dead version of her live self?
    • Is the type of store he runs a twist to your tale or what makes him perfect for the job? ?It may help to divulge this as his descriptor (rather than ‘reluctant’… almost all protagonists are reluctant at first… doesn’t he want to save her soul or is he in denial/a coward/what?)
    • Is her appearance the inciting incident for the film, so we’re a year on… or are you placing this straight after the time he breaks the rule/her death and making that the inciting incident?
    • I’m not sure we need to know about the island in the logline, or necessarily that she helps him… it’s his mission and we need to know what sparks it, why only he can fix it, what he’s up against, and what the stakes are.
    • Maybe along the lines of: A XXX store manager must undo the evil curse he?inadvertently?unleashed?to save the soul of his murdered girlfriend before XXX.
    • Or: ?Haunted by?visions of his murdered girlfriend, a cowardly XXX must undo?an evil curse intent on devouring her soul on the anniversary of her death.

    Regards
    Trix

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: April 8, 2020In:

    After mythology’s most vicious monsters and history’s most heinous criminals escape from hell, a neurotic college-sophomore finds herself imbued with the power to send these evildoers back from whence they came.

    Trix Samurai

    Hi JBalmer,I like your premise - this kind of thing is right up my street, definitely something I'd watch as a TV show or a film. ?My initial thoughts are:I feel like you have 2 inciting incidents? ?1) the evildoers escaping, 2) the sophomore being imbues with power...Did anyone else come out of helRead more

    Hi JBalmer,

    I like your premise – this kind of thing is right up my street, definitely something I’d watch as a TV show or a film. ?My initial thoughts are:

    • I feel like you have 2 inciting incidents? ?1) the evildoers escaping, 2) the sophomore being imbues with power…
    • Did anyone else come out of hell? ?What about the lesser evildoers? ? I think you’re using a lot of word count when you could lump the monsters and criminals together with one description.
    • Feels a bit like a neurotic Buffy? ?What makes this so different – is it a ‘Willow’ spin-off?
    • It reads as though you’ve summed up what happens – the sophomore has the power to send them back… so where are the stakes?
    • ‘Finds herself imbued with the power’ – this is very vague… is she a chosen one?
    • ‘College-sophomore’… this means nothing to me in the UK – are there different types of sophomore or can you drop the college tag?
    • Consider rephrasing it focussing on one inciting incident and outlining or implying what’s at stake…
    • A rough shot… A neurotic sophomore must fulfil her destiny to save the world when hell unleashes its most heinous monsters to overthrow humanity.

    Regards
    Trix

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: March 16, 2020In:

    Two directionless twenty-something bartenders are accidentally exposed to information about a fixed horse race and try to take advantage of this potential windfall without tipping their hand to the nasty thugs that planned the caper

    Trix Samurai

    I don't know where my head is today, but your logline reminded me of Connie and Carla https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0345074/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1?! Mike hits the nail on the head here with "what else sustains the 90min+ runtime" and "this is simply the tip of the iceberg". ? In Connie and Carla, they witnRead more

    I don’t know where my head is today, but your logline reminded me of Connie and Carla https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0345074/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1?!

    Mike hits the nail on the head here with “what else sustains the 90min+ runtime” and “this is simply the tip of the iceberg”. ? In Connie and Carla, they witness a mob hit and must go into hiding to save their lives… but the world they end up in (LA drag circuit – don’t ask!) ironically answers their pre-witness woes of needing stable and fulfilling work. ?The mob still catches up with them, but by now they’re in a better position (through new alliances) to evade them.

    Connie and Carla is complete daft fluff! ?I don’t know what genre your idea is (which is a potential issue). ?I suppose that’s where I’m heading:

    • What genre is this?
    • Why are they directionless?
    • Why do they need the money?
    • How big a windfall is it?
    • How do the thugs discover them?
    • What do the thugs plan on doing to them?
    • How will they get out of it?

    It sounds like a good set up for a black comedy to me – something that would have a broader appeal than either straight slapstick or thriller?

    Regards
    Trix

     

    See less
    • 0