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A daughter and a father sits at a table. From chewing with her mouth open, to bad table manners to taking drugs right in front of him, the father does not realise anything because he is distracted by his phone.
Is this a short? If so, you should mention it in the comment section. (If it's not a short, then you have a problem as this will not hold the audience's attention for 90 minutes.) As this seems like a good subject matter for a short, I'll assume it is a short. Most shorts are structured like a jokeRead more
Is this a short? If so, you should mention it in the comment section. (If it’s not a short, then you have a problem as this will not hold the audience’s attention for 90 minutes.)
As this seems like a good subject matter for a short, I’ll assume it is a short. Most shorts are structured like a joke in that they have a setup followed by a punch. (In contrast to a joke, the punch in a short need not be funny, but could be sad or horrifying.) You don’t want to give away the punch. Your logline should be all about the setup. Try this for starters and see where you can take it:
When her father is too distracted by his iPhone to listen to the story of her science project, a ten year old girl resorts to ever more drastic measures to get his attention.
See lessWhen she discovers her vengeful ex crime boss has recruited her son to commit towards she and her formers lover’s debts. And ex convict released from prison seeks out to save him, only to be dragged into a world she vowed to leave forever.
"to commit towards she and her former lover's debts." --> "to repay her debts." Leave the lover out as he is a side issue and gangsters don't care which one of the pair took out the debt. "ex convict released from prison" --> "ex convict"? Pleonasms are the enemy of good writing. A person is aRead more
“to commit towards she and her former lover’s debts.” –> “to repay her debts.” Leave the lover out as he is a side issue and gangsters don’t care which one of the pair took out the debt.
“ex convict released from prison” –> “ex convict”? Pleonasms are the enemy of good writing. A person is an “ex convict” only after they are released from prison, so we don’t need both phrases.
Since it is clear she must confront the crime boss, the phrase “dragged into a world she vowed to leave forever” doesn’t tell us anything about what happens next. What must she do: rob a bank? kill the crime boss? work as a prostitute? You gave us the MC and an inciting incident, now give us the MC’s goal — a specific, concrete goal.
See lessA married man begins dating a woman via lucid dream technology, but things get strange when she starts appearing when he?s awake.
I like the concept, but I think it needs tightening. What do you mean by "things get strange"? What happens after the man sees this woman in real life is going to make the difference between a comedy, a drama, a thriller or an adventure. Even though you put this idea in the "adventure" genre, from tRead more
I like the concept, but I think it needs tightening.
What do you mean by “things get strange”? What happens after the man sees this woman in real life is going to make the difference between a comedy, a drama, a thriller or an adventure. Even though you put this idea in the “adventure” genre, from the way the logline is written at present, it could be almost any thing else. Give us some hint about what happens when “things get strange”.
The other question I have is whether or not she recognizes him and was having the same dream? If not, you’ve got the basis for a stalker film where things could really get strange, but in a bad way. If she does recognize him and was having the same dream, you’ve got the basis for a romantic comedy.
The logline needs to give the reader some indication of which way the film is headed.
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