Penpusher
Posted: 2016-03-11T12:28:26+10:00 In:

An alien woman comes to earth to mate with a deadbeat stoner. Only one thing stands in her way…a psychotically jealous, nut-job girlfriend.

An alien woman comes to earth to mate with a deadbeat stoner. Only one thing stands in her way…a psychotically jealous, nut-job girlfriend.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      You can condense the second sentence, we need to know whats at stake. An ellipses is a waste of space and also consider giving us an idea of the inner journey, will the alien defeat the girlfriend?

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    2. Mentor

      Hello, I think you can easyly do it in one sentence. If you are writing a logline to test a concept and spot story problems before writing the actual script it would be better to avoid rethoric sentences like “Only one thing stands in her way?” : this doesn’t help in spotting story problems, nor in testing the concept.

      Anyway, I like the concept.

      ‘When an alien woman find her only possible mate on earth, she must deal with his deadbeat stoner attitude and his psychotically jalous nut-job girlfriend’.

      It could be funny, yes. I’m not sure the alien woman should be the main character. She’s not as powerfully described as the stoner and the nutjob girl. I would pick the stoner as a protagonist, so he will have 2 problems: the alien woman and his nutjob girlfriend.

      Anyway, goodluck !

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    3. Penpusher

      I’m left questioning who the psychotic girlfriend belongs to. Is it one that followed the alien or the man’s girlfriend that leaves one questioning why he has this girlfriend.

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