Mentor
Posted: 2015-06-29T13:15:23+10:00 In:

A dissociative identity disorder sufferer starts hunting a clandestine agency who, he believes, have artificially created his condition to hide a ruthless assassin within his own mind.

Volition

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    8 Reviews

    1. This seems like an OK story, but I’m wondering whether he has to protect his family from the clandestine agency only, and for what reason, or does he have to protect them from the cold-blooded assassin hidden within himself.

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    2. Mentor

      I guess that is an element I want to play with, that he must protect his family from those who would use them as a way to get to him, but he could be just as dangerous to them.

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    3. Singularity

      This logline is a very complicated read the plot is difficult to discern and not limitedly clear.

      The MC is secretive and a former marine and has a “…dissociative identity disorder?” and has an “…alter ego who?s beginning to fight for control of his body.” This is just too much for a logline.

      The fact that he takes his own family hostage is confusing how will this “…expose a clandestine agency?”?

      Why would he take his own family hostage if he only believes that the bad guys are trying to do something bad? to take such an extreme action that will risk audience empathy he would have to know for fact that the the bad guys are up to no good and this will beyond a doubt be the only way to stop them.

      I like the idea of a MC having a split personality and a ruthless killer inside him or her as a result but this logline simply doesn’t convey a plausible clear scenario and a relatable character.

      Also what is the inciting incident? Why must he now take such an extreme action? After he takes his family hostage then what? What will he do for the rest of the film? What is his goal specifically? How will he know his attempts were successful at exposing the agency? What will his success look like?

      Hope this helps.

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    4. Mentor

      It does and I appreciate the help, I will look to simplify and streamline

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    5. Singularity

      It seems like a version of the durable Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde trope. What’s the hook, the unique twist that re-invents the classic story?

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    6. Mentor

      I guess my take on this would be: He assumes that he is the primary persona E.G. he is the host, but he will actually turn out to be the Secondary Persona created artificially… so using the Hyde and Jekyll example my MC would actually be the Hyde in the duality and the killer / monster the Primary Persona.

      Like I said I need to alter the logline as it is a bit all over the shop, but I want there to be an elements of what is real, what is fantasy and has he just snapped and is there no one after him at all?

      Hopefully a simplified logline will help with these questions.

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    7. Singularity

      Thanks for the clarification. What if the synthesized/artificial persona were to ultimately prevail? Now that might be an interesting twist worth exploring for its dramatic possibilities and thematic ramifications.

      fwiw.

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    8. Mentor

      I have thought about that, still juggling with the ending somewhat… as I do think there is a great message in confronting who you really are as opposed to pretending to be someone you are not. Also it could tie into the other element of can people change their natures anyhow, perhaps his fake identity is starting to break down due to this very concept that you can only hold in you true self for so long either confront it or watch as your very own conflicted nature destroys you and everyone around you.

      Also thought maybe a merger of the two personas could work as an ending.

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