Logliner
Posted: 2019-03-26T11:04:41+10:00 In:

A hired thief steals a magic relic awakening 12 mercenary monks; all will team up to keep the relic away from an ancient power hungry Templar.

A hired thief steals a magic relic awakening 12 mercenary monks; all will team up to keep the relic away from an ancient power hungry Templar.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity

      I think the previous logline was a better attempt. A lead character needs a goal. In the previous logline attempt, the lead had the goal of saving his son.

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    2. Best Answer
      Samurai

      Instead of another logline, take a step back and briefly answer the following:

      Who is the protag? What makes him ironic or unlikely to succeed? Why him?
      What is his objective?
      Who or what gets in his way?
      What are the stakes?
      What does most of Act II look like?
      What makes this special compared to others in the ‘Battle over a relic’ sub-genre?

      Then specifically about this attempt:

      Once the monks are awakened, why does the thief remain part of the story? What can he do that the monks cannot? “Mercenary” monks is hard to understand and it’s odd that they don’t? guard the relic to prevent its theft. Wouldn’t 12 supernatural mercenaries have an easy time against one supernatural Templar?

      The Templar character is confusing. Usually a story has one coincidence or what-if? and here it seems there are two as he seems to be alive independently of the relic or theft. Has he been trying since ancient times to get the relic? If yes, what’s taken so long?! What does he plan to do? How does his plan relate to the original Templars and their battles?

      The previous loglines mentioned Vietnam vet so when does the story take place? If it’s not the present, is there a need for this to be in the recent past?

      Where does this take place?

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