Neer Shelter

Script Doctor · 40,115 points

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on When James finds himself infatuated with his coworker Cindy, he is torn by the sinister advice of the sentient food in his fridge and the feelings of love felt in his timid heart.

The logline describes a scene and a decision, but not a story. A character falling for someone is a scene, possibly a sequence, but no more. And having to decide what to do is a decision, not an action. We…
on When his liquor licence is stripped due to unpaid bills, a neurotic publican must win the local fishing competition’s cash prize, but when he realises he is competing against his abusive father, he must control his manic behaviour to out-fish him and save the pub he calls home. ★ Accepted

The logline depicts a small English town vibe dotted with eccentric characters, the likes of which one would expect in The Full Monty. So, it's definitely achieving its objective on the tone front. On the plot side, the logline describes…
on When a sentient video game character falls in love with the real-life player, she must get rid of the other characters to gain the player’s affections, even if that means rewriting the game script.

This is cool! It's like a reveres Her, where the AI is the main character - It's a digi-girl meets boy love story. The premise needs more clarity though. What kind of game? First-person shooter? Battle royal? A quest? Lastly,…
on A righteous but gullible whistle-blower must obtain evidence her intimidating boss is a murderous monster before he catches on and takes sadistic steps to silence her for good.

I can only assume that she MUST obtain evidence now that he killed someone close to her... This is your inciting event, and it needs to be front and center in the logline - start with that. Secondly, what's the…
on After an actual demon possesses his wife during rehearsals for a stage version of The Exorcist, a spineless director must fight his demonic spouse to save the cast and crew.

Thanks Savino.
on After an actual demon possesses his wife during rehearsals for a stage version of The Exorcist, a spineless director must fight his demonic spouse to save the cast and crew.

Great suggestion, thanks for that. I was going for a coward needing to overcome his fears, but the theological angle could work too.
on After an actual demon possesses his wife during rehearsals for a stage version of The Exorcist, a spineless director must fight his demonic spouse to save the cast and crew.

This is a logline for a mockumentary (fake documentary) I'm currently writing - it's aimed at being a contained horror-comedy.
on In the depths of the depression, a small time con artist teams up with a seasoned pro to con $500,000 from a ruthless mobster to avenge the mobster’s murder of his mentor.

A great example, I'd make the wording a bit more "active sounding". For example: After a ruthless mobster kills his mentor, a small-time con artist takes revenge by teaming up with a seasoned pro to get half a million out…
on When evidence surfaces that an earlier generation of rebellious replicants has reproduced, a compliant next generation blade runner must find and ‘retire’ the child whose existence threatens human domination.

In order to not rely on the previous IP, this could also work: When a rebellious humanoid replicant gives birth, a genetics law enforcer must “retire” the child whose existence threatens humanity.
on In a post-civilization future, when an old project of reintroducing the human species on Earth is activated, a young 2.0 lonely human travels across the world, to be with others like him, just to end up disappointed with the new civilization being developed.

There are too many threads to this narrative for the logline to make sense. Describe one major event that motivates the human 2.0 to take action in pursuit of one clear goal.? Also, no need to name the character. Check…