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4 reviews
Needs work Specificity Causality and coherence
Interesting premise but the logline needs stakes and a better hook. What does the protagonist have to do, what happens if he doesn't get what he wants? What resolution is out of reach? What ticking clock must he work against?
Strengths Well-defined POV Clear, difficult goal Active protagonist Filmable incident Specificity Concision No hedging
Needs work Stakes and urgency Causality and coherence Action, not decision
The logline describes a scene and a decision, but not a story. A character falling for someone is a scene, possibly a sequence, but no more. And having to decide what to do is a decision, not an action. We want to know what James does, or tries to do, to get the girl. Following on from the crazy premise of sentient food in his fridge, which I love by the way, you've established an off-the-wall premise. So go with it. What is the most off-the-wall, crazy thing James can do to pursue the love of his life? And let that sit centre stage in your logline.
Needs work Clear, difficult goal Active protagonist Specificity Causality and coherence Action, not decision Concision No hedging
>>James
Protagonists aren't usually named in a logline. (The exception is a character in a plot based on historical events like Napoleon, Catherine the Great, Julius Caesar.)
Rather, the main character should be presented in terms of a defining characteristic. What is his defining characteristic? (In comedy that is usually a character flaw as comedies are usually motivated by human foibles.)
>>finds himself infatuated
This presents himself as the passive victim of his emotions. Well, I guess we all are in some way. But in drama, the protagonist must be characterized as pro-active. In this case, he doesn't find himself in love, he proactively, gladly, willfully falls in love.
>> he is torn.
OK -- but what is his response? Again, the character and his dramatic problem are presented in way that makes him seem a passive, hapless victim. What is his overall objective goal? (Or is the "food for thought" expounded by sentient food going to determine the plot?)