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In this crisp horror comedy set in India, Rajeev, a hearing-impaired Indian boy, stumbles upon a supernatural hearing aid that lets him eavesdrop on anyone, including spirits. With the help of Ayesha, a ghostly singer, they navigate a world of madness, confusion, spooky elements, and comedy, while evading a Pakistani spy determined to snatch the hearing aid.
Hi Tosbro, Right off the bat, a face value analysis of your pitch will quickly find prevalence of unconventional logline qualities that need to be identified before they are subsequently addressed. Firstly, the inclusion of character names are, for the most part, a red flag when it comes to loglinesRead more
Hi Tosbro,
Right off the bat, a face value analysis of your pitch will quickly find prevalence of unconventional logline qualities that need to be identified before they are subsequently addressed.
Firstly, the inclusion of character names are, for the most part, a red flag when it comes to loglines; secondly, stating the genre of the story within the logline itself (in this case “comedy” is mentioned twice) is an even bigger red flag, and; lastly, the overall length and flow of the of the logline is, in my opinion, simply too long in word count.
With this in mind we can try to make some adjustments to your logline in attempt to improve its effectiveness:
Revision 1: “When a hearing-impaired Indian boy, stumbles upon a supernatural hearing aid that lets him eavesdrop on anyone – or anything – he befriends a ghostly singer so that he can better navigate this new world of maddening noise and confusion all whilst evading a Pakistani spy determined to snatch the hearing aid.”
Despite whittling seven words off of the original logline, we are still well over the word budget. The next thing that I believe needs fixing is making the antagonist, “the Pakistani spy”, feel a bit more connected to the story. As of now he feels a bit tacked on to the story as a whole.
Revision 2: “When a hearing-impaired Indian boy stumbles upon an otherworldly hearing device, he befriends the “angelic” voice of a dead tone-deaf singer so the both of them can better navigate this new world of maddening noise despite the increase dangerous hallucinations.”
I will be honest, I couldn’t find any way to fix the antagonist issue, however I instead focused on trying to best allude to the horror-comedy nature of your original idea by means of pairing the (formerly) hearing-impaired protagonist with a tone-deaf angel. I will note that my edit of this logline remains a little bit too long, but if I alter it anymore I feel as though I will deviate too far from your original pitch.
Thank you for reading, and please make of this review what you will.
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The word 'When' usually describes an inciting incident. You have two 'when's' in your logline, indicating two inciting incidents... This is a logline issue. (Or perhaps a story issue)
The word ‘When’ usually describes an inciting incident.
See lessYou have two ‘when’s’ in your logline, indicating two inciting incidents…
This is a logline issue. (Or perhaps a story issue)
When the Hungarian ballroom world champion comes to the US to teach dance to wealthy students, he quickly discovers the corruption and betrayal that stand between him and the fast-fading American Dream.
Very cool, but what does the protag do with the “discovery?” Example: Immigrating to the US to teach dance to wealthy students, a famous Hungarian ballroom instructor must overcome the corruption and betrayal between him and the fast-fading American Dream. Keep going!
Very cool, but what does the protag do with the “discovery?”
Example:
Immigrating to the US to teach dance to wealthy students, a famous Hungarian ballroom instructor must overcome the corruption and betrayal between him and the fast-fading American Dream.
Keep going!
See less