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When a Desert Merchant is tricked by the God of water and is detained to the Gods realm he must escape by using his charm and ability to sell.
Why have they been captured, and what must they do to escape. I feel you need to expand upon the action and event to create a fuller logline
Why have they been captured, and what must they do to escape. I feel you need to expand upon the action and event to create a fuller logline
See lessWhen his childhood sweetheart turned actress goes through a high profile breakup, an overly responsible pastor heads to Hollywood to be her red carpet date, along the way encountering misfits who remind him what his real first love is.
As a Christian I like the idea of a believer being reminded of Who their real first love is. I also think that the two characters could clash - an actress and a pastor. And a pastor walking the red carpet seems very fish out of water in a way. There is also this promise of a journey which seems to bRead more
As a Christian I like the idea of a believer being reminded of Who their real first love is. I also think that the two characters could clash – an actress and a pastor. And a pastor walking the red carpet seems very fish out of water in a way. There is also this promise of a journey which seems to be what the movie is mostly about. But I feel the main character is weakened by the logline. He is an overly responsible person who is going to help out this ex lover at the drop of a hat. So he is a really nice guy who is possibly very easily manipulated. Also you need some high stakes and a goal. I don’t see a big goal for the main character or what he will win if he meets the goal and the great things he will lose if he doesn’t meet it. Defintely some promising aspects to the ideas which more work could polish up.
See lessIn this crisp horror comedy set in India, Rajeev, a hearing-impaired Indian boy, stumbles upon a supernatural hearing aid that lets him eavesdrop on anyone, including spirits. With the help of Ayesha, a ghostly singer, they navigate a world of madness, confusion, spooky elements, and comedy, while evading a Pakistani spy determined to snatch the hearing aid.
Hi Tosbro, Right off the bat, a face value analysis of your pitch will quickly find prevalence of unconventional logline qualities that need to be identified before they are subsequently addressed. Firstly, the inclusion of character names are, for the most part, a red flag when it comes to loglinesRead more
Hi Tosbro,
Right off the bat, a face value analysis of your pitch will quickly find prevalence of unconventional logline qualities that need to be identified before they are subsequently addressed.
Firstly, the inclusion of character names are, for the most part, a red flag when it comes to loglines; secondly, stating the genre of the story within the logline itself (in this case “comedy” is mentioned twice) is an even bigger red flag, and; lastly, the overall length and flow of the of the logline is, in my opinion, simply too long in word count.
With this in mind we can try to make some adjustments to your logline in attempt to improve its effectiveness:
Revision 1: “When a hearing-impaired Indian boy, stumbles upon a supernatural hearing aid that lets him eavesdrop on anyone – or anything – he befriends a ghostly singer so that he can better navigate this new world of maddening noise and confusion all whilst evading a Pakistani spy determined to snatch the hearing aid.”
Despite whittling seven words off of the original logline, we are still well over the word budget. The next thing that I believe needs fixing is making the antagonist, “the Pakistani spy”, feel a bit more connected to the story. As of now he feels a bit tacked on to the story as a whole.
Revision 2: “When a hearing-impaired Indian boy stumbles upon an otherworldly hearing device, he befriends the “angelic” voice of a dead tone-deaf singer so the both of them can better navigate this new world of maddening noise despite the increase dangerous hallucinations.”
I will be honest, I couldn’t find any way to fix the antagonist issue, however I instead focused on trying to best allude to the horror-comedy nature of your original idea by means of pairing the (formerly) hearing-impaired protagonist with a tone-deaf angel. I will note that my edit of this logline remains a little bit too long, but if I alter it anymore I feel as though I will deviate too far from your original pitch.
Thank you for reading, and please make of this review what you will.
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