1. Posted: July 19, 2015In:

    A retired homicide detective must figure out why everybody below the age of 65 have died at their computers, which are all running a pointless game where avatars are stalked and killed by a monster. To make matters worse there’s nobody left to run the nursing home, food is running out, and Mrs Everett needs to go to the bathroom.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    No need to get all that into the logline most of what you wrote in your last pot is back story, your logline needs to describe the forward motion of action in pursuit of a goal not the past. After the sudden death of all people under 65 a retired detective must investigate what happened in order toRead more

    No need to get all that into the logline most of what you wrote in your last pot is back story, your logline needs to describe the forward motion of action in pursuit of a goal not the past.

    After the sudden death of all people under 65 a retired detective must investigate what happened in order to do what?

    This is most of your logline as it describes the plot that will be in your story only thing that is not clear at this point is what is his goal. If all under 65 died and no one over 65 will die so now what? That is a bad thing but what will happen if he fails or succeeds? What is there left for him to do? What are the stakes?

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  2. Posted: July 16, 2015In:

    When his wife is kidnapped, a modern-day sorcerer (and NYC detective) hunts down her sadistic captor; but when the trail goes cold and even his supernatural friends can't help him, he must learn that love is the most powerful magic of all, before his wife is lost forever.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Simplicity is key in a logline but never let it get confusing due to lack of critical detail. I think that New York cops have a stigma of being pragmatic, tough and cynical more than others, perhaps thats just me. I also think if the story is placed on the streets of New York it makes for a more intRead more

    Simplicity is key in a logline but never let it get confusing due to lack of critical detail.

    I think that New York cops have a stigma of being pragmatic, tough and cynical more than others, perhaps thats just me. I also think if the story is placed on the streets of New York it makes for a more interesting setting for a super natural fantasy story as appose to the cliche setting of “in the woods” or “in a remote village”.

    As previously mentioned best to describe a single goal at the end of a logline so; finding the wife, stopping the bad guy and preventing her being killed should all be described as a single goal. In my mind saving her life is the best and most economic way of doing this, as both finding her and stopping the bad guy are then implicit.

    My suggestion for a re draft with a minor tweak:
    After his wife is kidnapped by a sadistic sorcerer a sceptic New York detective must work with a clairvoyant wizard to save her life.

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  3. Posted: July 18, 2015In:

    A naive girl with a useless superhero power struggles to see if true love really exists.

    Useless superhero power? Either you don't know the definition of useless or the concept of a superhero power. The power, whatever it is, can't be useless if it makes her a superhero. I'm reminded of the interviewing scenes in Mystery Men ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0132347/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_87 ) wRead more

    Useless superhero power? Either you don’t know the definition of useless or the concept of a superhero power. The power, whatever it is, can’t be useless if it makes her a superhero. I’m reminded of the interviewing scenes in Mystery Men ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0132347/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_87 ) where a lot of people with useless super powers (note the deletion of the term hero) audition for a superhero job. Janeane Garofalo, The Bowler, gets the position as her super power can be used in a superhero capacity. That being said you need to draw a connection between whatever power she has and the inability to find true love. Right now I can halfway see a female version of Shallow Hal (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0256380/?ref_=fn_tt_tt_4). Hal is given the superpower of only being able to see inner beauty in order to find true love.

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