Dysfunction
Lee BrooksPenpusher
A young British academic visiting America and a besotted underage runaway evade exposure by passing themselves off as uncle and niece while travelling the country together:think Pygmalion/Lolita
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This is a situation, not a story.
I’m sort of thinking that by referencing Pygmalion and Lolita it’s obvious that it starts with him educating her (he’s a good guy) and then mid-point they have sex (he’s not such a good guy after all). The only thing I haven’t revealed is that he gets caught by the end. What else do you think I should put in there? That he’s breaking the law is obvious. And by describing her as besotted, I’m saying that it’s very much their story. Not to say there aren’t outside obstacles, but I’m assuming anyone reading my logline would expect there would be. I also want to keep it short.
I don’t think you can write “think Pygmalion/Lolita” in a logline 🙂 You should write your logline to tell the story so that we can think about the archetypes underneath.
And be sure to make clear why this movie is different from “Lolita”. Reading you logline I thought the two was a couple like bonnie and clyde, with some kind of complicity.
Hi FFF. Thanks for your input. ‘think Pygmalion/Lolita’ What I’ve done is actually quite common. I’m trying to say a lot in a few words. Are you saying that you don’t think it serves its intended purpose or that it doesn’t conform to some rule or other?
Hmm. You’ve totally confused me now. I say Pygmalion/Lolita and you think that equals Bonnie and Clyde. OMG!
I don’t think a logline should explicitly reference another story or myth. A premise should stand on its own two feet. As was said, let the readers draw their own associations to other stories.
I can see dramatic potential in the concept, but as Richiev noted, so far, it’s a situation not a plot. An interesting situation? Well, that depends on what they do — the plot — in the context of their situation.
Why is the academic visiting the US, for what purpose, what objective goal? Is the story set in the present? If so, and she’s an underage runaway, how does she obtain a passport? Post-911, it’s harder to come in to the US (legally) under false ID — not impossible, but certainly harder.
In other words, coming to the U.S. under false pretensions these days requires more effort, more risk. Why would the academic, who is supposed to be smarter and more mature of the two, undertake the additional effort and risk that could destroy his career and land him in jail?
And who is the intended audience for this story, young adults?
Hello Lee,
Sound ‘a bit’ like a deleted scene from the movie Leon. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWIJpw9UJdQ
Your story could be great – but:
I don’t know if this script turned into a movie- to say it mildly- would attract a ‘large’ audience
In comparison to the movie Lolita (one short quote):
“Due to considerable difficulty in securing an American distributor, the film had a very limited theatrical run in order to qualify for award contention. The final domestic gross income was over $1.1 million on a $62 million budget” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119558/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056193/?ref_=tt_rec_tt
?think Pygmalion/Lolita? What I?ve done is actually quite common. I?m trying to say a lot in a few words. Are you saying that you don?t think it serves its intended purpose or that it doesn?t conform to some rule or other?
They travel the country by car. Why would she need a visa? So far I haven’t been able to find anything to suggest she would need one. I’ll ask my sister who lives over there with her American husband and American son.
It’s set in the present day – I would have stated otherwise. I’m trying to write to appeal to all four demographics. He’s decided to take a semester off work after his father’s death and his best friend’s marriage. Once he’s with her, he stays on for a while. If I put all this stuff in the logline, it’ll be too wordy.
>> What I?ve done is actually quite common.
Is it? And Pygmalion and Lolita are 2 starkly different stories. (Which one is more applicable?)
>>They travel the country by car. Why would she need a visa?
Because the logline says: “A young British academic visiting America” so I inferred the point of origin for the story is Great Britain. If he’s already in the US when he hooks up with the girl (who would be American?) then never mind. But the logline ought be clarified as I suspect I am not the only person who would draw the wrong inference.
In any event, what’s the drama in having them travel around the country? The plot? What are the stakes? What does the academic stand hope to gain, risk losing by getting involved with a runaway teen, foisting himself off to others as her uncle?
There are articles on this very forum aimed at helping writers to grasp logline basics. Critiquing faulty loglines is one thing and it’s great to be able to help writers sharpen the focus of their ideas by assisting them to develop a logline. But helping writers to shape raw unformed ideas is not productive. Might as well just have a chat about craft or anything that’s actually beneficial. I mean – guys!!!
You shouldn’t use [:think Pygmalion/Lolita] in the logline. However those elements you describe should be added to the logline.
Sounds interesting, good luck!
Thank you.
DPG, grammatically, it does say he’s in America and with a runaway. But I’ll take your suggestion that it’s nevertheless unclear she’s American. As an academic, he has not only his career to worry about but also his reputation. Thanks for your advice.
I mean – Karen!!! Why would you bother commenting on my conversation if all you have to say is that you possess some sort of superior knowledge. Not helpful at all. Surely there must be others more deserving of your words of wisdom than I. Help them.
I’ll leave it there. Thank you to everyone who contributed sincere, constructive advice. I’ll take it all under advisement. Much appreciated. Lee x
Karenfoley — great point… I do find that the line between developing loglines and developing plots is often very blurred, as the two are intrinsically linked. If there is a problem with the logline it can very easily be interpreted as a problem with the plot (I wouldn’t know, but feel it’s probably often the case…), particularly on a forum like this.
Lee Brooks — I get a sense of this film, but, like dpg, don’t get the specific plot… I can see these characters, but I have no idea what they have to do.
I’m with other’s, in that including things like “Think Pygmalion/ Lolita” — doesn’t have a place in a logline; that stuff is probably best reserved for a verbal pitch. In written form it can come across as looking amateurish… well, in this hack’s opinion anywho… but from what I’ve gathered, at least for query letters/ emails etc, the form of the logline is extremely important. The rule of thumb (in any order really…): Main character(s) — (Occupation/ age/ sex…no names needed unless based on historic character’s… but even then…) — best served flawed/ Their ob(as opposed to sub)jective goal/ The event that causes them to go after that OBjective goal (Inciting Incident)/ Who or What opposes them in achieving that goal… and that’s about it.
In your logline’s case I get the MC’s, but as i see no goal… well, I get they have to ‘evade’ (the authorities?), but there is no struggle in their subterfuge — I have know reason to empathise with them, which means it’s easy to lose interest in them achiving their their goal to ‘evade’ (who/ what?).
Best of luck.
Hi Anon. Re: think Pygmalion/Lolita. I think that anything that saves words while evoking some kind of recognition in the reader – and an idea of the film’s genre – can be useful when done well. I’m not saying that I’ve necessarily done it well. Still working on my logline, so may leave it out. Wouldn’t want to appear amateurish – heaven forbid! LOL. Thanks for your input.
I can see this. If you are familiar with Lolita, James Mason a mature english man is besotted by a 15 year old girl that uses sex (and the promise of sex) to toy with him. She is manipulative and he shows himself to be foolish from under his proper english exterior. The modern version came across creepy.
While Pygmalion has Rex Harrison (My fair Lady, same story) teacher her that she can be more than her environment has taught her to be. He wants to teach her a trick (to speak correctly) but she gets far more out of it.
I can see combining these two aspects makes for an exchange of power between the two characters in a dare I say it “Win Win” situation. They can both grow through this relationship and perhaps this makes them codependent.
Great concept. Not sure how to get all that across without referencing previous works for context.
Thanks, Craig.