Samurai
Posted: 2015-03-26T09:26:57+10:00 In:

After a young insecure girl, who lost her boyfriend by an accident, is sending a naked video to a strange men which is causing bullying attacks at school, she is moving to a new town to build friendships, but the cyber attacks continue and increase her depression.

Mobbing

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    7 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      There appear to be a large number of grammatical errors in this logline best to proof read it first.

      About the structure the inciting incident is not clear but seems to be the bullying at school, if so best to start with that and remove the picture sending part of the logline.

      You haven’t described a plot because you haven’t mentioned her goal rather just described her hopes and getting more depressed. After she is attacked in school what is it she wants that the audience will get to SEE her achieve?

      Lastly this describes an all too well known a scenario in many schools these days. The news papers are regularly full of similar occurrences, so in what way does this story differ? What makes this story unique and make people want to go and see the film?

      Hope this helps.

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    2. Samurai

      After a young naive girl is sending a naked video to a strange men which is causing bullying attacks at school, she is moving to a new town to build new friendships, but the cyber attacks continue and increase her depression.

      Just like that?

      I know that this story do not sound very special at all.

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    3. Samurai

      I just added this special idea to show her emotional feelings.

      After a young naive girl, who lost her boyfriend by an accident, is sending a naked video to a strange men which is causing bullying attacks at school, she is moving to a new town to build friendships, but the cyber attacks continue and increase her depression.

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    4. Mentor

      I do not know movies about cyber mobbing. Maybe there are a few, you should do some research. I think the ‘idea’ is interesing but you have a lot of work to do.

      The backstory with her boyfriend doesn’t help at this stage of developement, I’m sorry to say. For your logline you should focus on what the girl do (“moving” is nothing, it takes 1 line in a script, and if it takes more It is boring; “getting depressed” is too vague and it is not ‘active’). Will you go see a movie about a girl getting depressed? Thinks about all the movies where you have a depressed character and read the loglines: you’ll find that there is much more that ‘someone getting depressed’.

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    5. Mentor

      Hello,

      too complicated.

      First, be sure to read this: http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/

      Ask yourself: what is your story about. Try to answer in the most basic and simple way.

      Is it the story of a girl who did a naked video and can’t deal with her boyfriend’s catholic family?

      Or is it the story of a girl who is cyberbullied ?

      These are two differents story. You have to make a creative choice. You can have one as the main story and the second as B story (the B sotry doesn’t appear in the logline).

      I think the story of a girl who is cyberbullied is much more interesting and original, but you have to choose by yourself.

      You have to give a clear goal to your main character and the goal must be included in the logline.

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    6. Logliner

      My take:

      “After a young naive, nerdy girl gets bullied by a charismatic classmate because of a naked video, she leaves town depressed, but the cyber attacks continue – until she starts to fights back through internet viruses.”

      The boyfriend is still in the story but because he’s not ‘key’, make him part of the synopsis. Hey – if her friend wakes up from a coma, he can help her defeat her enemy in the last act – after it seems all hope is lost.

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    7. Singularity

      young insecure girl — Insecure teen (You say ‘she’ later on so you don’t need to say girl)

      who lost her boyfriend by an accident,– When her boyfriend dies (Don’t need to tell us by accident)

      is sending — Sends

      a naked video to a strange men — begins sexting random men (A bit more colloquial)

      which is causing bullying attacks at school — (This whole part should either be changed or used as the inciting incident) (Such as, When an insecure teen becomes the target of bulling after her sexting video goes viral)

      she is moving- she moves

      to a new town to build friendship (Transfers to a new school)

      but the cyber attacks continue (but the cyber bullying continues)

      and increase her depression. (Drop this, she needs a pro-active goal)

      Hope that helps, good luck with this!

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