The Valley of Souls
An insecure man whose soul communicates with other souls in the spiritual realm of dreams, will need to overcome his fears in order to find and bring back his sister?s soul whose body lies in a coma.
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Hi NIr Shelter Thank you very much for your feedback!
Hi Richievt thank you very much for your feedback!
Hi dpg Thank you very much for your feedback!
Hi FFF Thank you very much for your feedback!
I like the ticking time clock. Nir; the lead has to save his sister before she’s taken off life support.
Perhaps describe him as a medium which implies he can communicate with spirits instead of the long description in the current draft.
Also perhaps make the sister his twin it comes across as a higher stake.
Lastly ti isn’t clear from the logline whether he will travel into the spirit world to find the sister or stay in the real world and just communicate with spirits. I think it would make for a more interesting story if he were to travel into the special world on a mission and undergo an adventure there al la’ Tron or Alice in Wonderland.
If this is the case then perhaps mention in the logline that he must travel into the spirit realm etc?
e.g
After his twin sister lapses into a coma, an insecure medium must travel across the spirit realm to rescue her sole and bring her back before the hospital takes her off life support.
Hope this helps.
“When his sister lapses into a coma, an insecure family outcast must use his ability to enter the world of dreams to bring his sister back into the waking world.”
>>> overcome his fears
The problem with his fear is it’s intangible, non-specific. His fear needs to be objectified, to be specific about something or some person tangible, something or person that can be visualized on screen. Something or person that represents an obstacle, a threat to his objective goal — hence, he has good reason to be fearful.
The logline might also benefit from a ticking clock: he has X days (not XX days, the shorter the time, the greater the urgency and dramatic tension) to complete his task or else is sister will die, her soul will be irrevocable.
Not bad.
I would avoid “spiritual” as the real of dreams is obviously spiritual and cut the comma before will”.
Maybe you can structure the logline making clear what is the catalyst?
“When his sister lapses into a coma, an insecure man whose soul communicates with other souls in the realm of dreams must overcome his fears to find and bring back his sister’s soul.
You could also rewrite “whose soul communicates with other souls” – trying o be more specific and clear.
Check “What Dreams May Come”.