Penpusher
Posted: 2015-06-02T01:03:29+10:00 In:

Joseph Smith escapes from heaven and comes back to earth and has to convince the world that he wasn’t lying in the first place and convert everyone to mormonism after a significant number of the church members leave .

Mr Smith

Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    9 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Is Joseph Smith the lead character?

      • 0
    2. Mentor

      Hello,
      The main problem of this logline is that you don’t focus on the main character. Is Joseph Smith (founder of the Mormonism) your main character? It seems to be the MC but you presents him as a bad guy so it?s not clear what you want to do with the story. Maybe the FBI agnt is the main character, if so he deserves a best place in the logline, for example:

      “When the founder of Mormonism come back to earth with a supernatural mind control device, a christian FBI agent must stop him before he creates an army of mormonic zombies”.

      All that happens in heaven with Joseph Smith is backstory and doesn’t really need to be mentioned in the logline.

      I’m not sure that the name of Joseph Smith is famous enough (I never heard of him before), in case you should avoid it in the logline.

      I’m not sure if you can write about a real person and put him in this kind of fiction. Maybe it?s ok for south park.

      • 0
    3. Penpusher

      Joseph Smith is the main character of the film but we’re supposed to be mocking him.

      • 0
    4. Mentor

      The main character must be likable in some way, I think that would be a problem for your character.

      • 0
    5. Singularity

      Mocking as a drama or as comedy?

      • 0
    6. Singularity

      You might want to get rid of the mind control angle.

      Heaven is religion
      Mind control is science (Science fiction)

      Mixing those could be confusing.

      Besides fooling the masses without mind control would be a far more interesting and ironic tale.

      • 0
    7. Penpusher

      Comedy

      • 0
    8. Singularity

      Is the MC’s normal life as in his day to day that of being in heaven? If so then is his banishment form heaven the inciting incident?

      I ask because the inciting incident is not clear, what was the specific event that started his story? Lying about god and Jesus or banishment from heaven? If the former then his goal would be forgiveness from god if the later then his goal would be to get back into heaven.

      As it stands now there is no clear connection between either inciting incident and his goal of converting all of humanity to mormonism.

      Hope this helps.

      • 0
    9. Singularity

      As far as making fun of the LDS belief system and way of life, it seems like the play “The Book of Mormon” has already been there, done that.

      • 0