Posted: 2013-09-13T04:16:50+10:00 In:

The week before his wedding, the groom gets a swift kick in the nuts causing him to see his girlfriend?s baby as a grown man in a onesie who guides him and tests him on his readiness for marriage and fatherhood.

Nutted

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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      fiance’s not fiances (A bit of a difference)

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    2. Singularity

      This could be done using the “A Christmas Carol” template but Instead of a ‘ghost’ guiding him he has his fiances “Grown child” showing him the consequences of his life.

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    3. Great comments! The addition of the descriptor “man-child” would enhance this logline. The Antagonist is the infant, as perceived as a man, since he is challenging the Protagonist to his suitability to be a husband and father, the end goal.
      Thanks for the constructive comments.

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    4. Penpusher

      Would it perhaps be better if your protagonist was a man child running from marriage? The kick in the nuts and a look at his future alone might be the prompt he needs to kick his life into gear and grow up. The adult version of his girlfriends kid could make the man child realise he’s just that. As it stands now, it sounds like your protagonist already has his life in check – he’s settling down and about to assume the role of a father.

      Take it back a few steps to build to this – well, that’s my suggestion anyway.

      Good luck

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    5. Samurai

      May I suggest a revision?

      “After a kick to the genitals causes an immature groom to hallucinate that his fiance’s infant is a full grown man, …”

      What is the actual GOAL that this character has, after such a bizarre incident? Who is the ANTAGONIST, and what are the STAKES of failure?

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