Stolen Hearts
Paul ClarkeSamurai
To get the girl of his dreams a timid momma?s boy must team up with the local cat burglar, but her unorthodox methods put more than his love life at risk.
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sorry — just needed to clarify something I might of muddled up — at the moment HE holds the cards (he has busted her and HE must keep silent for HER) as opposed to the cat burglar holding the cards — and in turn forcing him to ACT.. anyway — I’m sure you see what I mean 😉
fwiw (this is a tad long…):
‘After getting caught cheating on an exam by a taciturn female classmate, a buttoned-down freshman agrees to join her on her nightly raids as a cat burglar in return for her silence.’
Hi Paul,
I remember this one as well — I think Richiev’s latest offering nails your story, very succinctly — the cyrano de bergerac reference is gold. Interestingly, it’s not dissimilar to your original June 13 logline…
To me, the issue is that at the moment he has to do something for her, namely, ‘stay silent’ — all in order to ‘get the girl’. I just can’t see 100-110 minutes of screen time dealing with this… Put this up against him, a mama’s boy (weak), HAVING to do something for HER (a cool/ sassy cat burglar — for some reason I’m seeing a Grace Kelly type ;)) say, some big job…well… I know which one I’d be more likely to pay to see.
Maybe it comes down to what kind of film this is — more rom-com or more crime/ heist. At the moment the logline treats the ‘rom-com’ as the ‘A’ story (getting the girl) while a crime plot line (anything to do with a cat burglar) is the ‘B’ story — it just doesn’t feel right — just imo… for me, a better fit is the ‘get the girl’ story (whether that be some love interest he’s after at the start, or the cat burglar) being the ‘B’ story (and not really worth either mentioning or emphasizing in the logline) with the cat burglar’s story (and mama’s boy’s involvement…) acting as the ‘A’ story — what the logline should be focused on.
Anyway — best of luck nailing it — not many cat burglar stories out there at the minute — could be onto a winner if handled right. Best of luck.
You got it. (maybe that’s too obvious?) – He falls for the cat burglar instead.
Thanks for the clarification Paul: In this logline, it reads as if he’s teaming up to “Steal” something in order to win the girls heart.
How about this: “After a mama’s boy discovers the identity of a cocky cat burglar, she agrees to become his Cyrano for his silence.”
OK mines not quite there (Not sure if cocky is the right adjective) but hope this helps.
Good luck with this!
Good points in the comments above. Is it possible that the timid boy learns more about himself while being with the cat burglar and ultimately falls in love with her?
Thanks guys, all good stuff. Yes, it is a variant on an older logline. I am writing the script, and sometimes stop to figure the logline out.
You are on the money with the lack of causal link. I tried to cut back on elements that I deemed unnecessary, but I seemed to have lost something.
The basic story is – Momma’s boy discovers the identity of the cat burglar after she robs his house (they’re both law students which adds irony, but probably too much for the logline) in return for his silence she offers to set him up with the girl of his dreams. She knows who this is because he has peeping tom photos on the camera she stole. Which she also uses to blackmail him into agreeing. Not sure how to work that in without making it too bulky.
What if the two female characters were one..? Make the girl his after the cat burglar… Just a thought. It would simplify it a bit. He’s obsessed with her — badgers her for a date or what not… And she finally agrees, but he must help her with something first… Anyways — best o luck.
How about:
A timid momma’s boy recruits his best friend’s help to win over the girl he loves. When it turns out that the friend is an infamous catburglar he finds himself in way over his head, especially when her unorthodox methods puts more than his lovelife at risk.
Of course, this may not be the story you have in mind. I’m only trying to help, though.
I agree. The how/why link between cat burglar and the boy’s love is unclear. Also, how would a timid momma’s boy know who the cat burglar is? If he did, wouldn’t everyone else know?
What I DO like is it sounds like there is a solid narrative arc here to build upon.
Paul Clarke:
What the others said. This seems to version 2.0 of a logline posted on June 13, 2013. It seems you have an itch you’re trying to scratch around the plot conceit of a female cat burglar, but I can’t figure out what it is.
As above … there is no clear causal link between teaming up with the cat burglar and winning the girl over. Is there something that the cat burglar has that he makes a deal to get, which will lead to impressing the girl?
Hi,
I have to agree. How does robbery equate to love? Explaining this will aid your logline.
Good luck
What’s missing is ‘how’ teaming with the cat burglar will win the girl:
“In order to win the girl of his dreams a timid momma’s boy must team with a local cat burglar to steal back his true loves family heirloom that was taken from her by a greedy banker.”
Hope that helped, good luck with this!