BROOD
AzPenpusher
Twenty years after the horrific slaying of a family, terrified townsfolk wait in fear for the imminent return of the menacing monster that was put away for the crime.
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So the movie is about a bunch of townsfolk waiting?
Is there a lead character?
Does the lead character have a goal?
Is there something standing in the way of that goal?
Are there stakes?
Is there irony?
If so, it should be added to the logline…
Hello, be sure to check some logline guides like this one: https://loglines.org/howto/ to transform your idea in a logline.
Thanks for your replies. Please feel free to offer feedback for this rewrite:
‘Twenty years after the horrific slaying of a quaint town’s family, news of the monster jailed for the crime returning puts the townsfolk in fear for their lives; pinning hope on their brave leader, they aim to stop the maniac who is imminently approaching leaving a trail of destruction behind.’
Kind regards,
Az
The latest draft of the logline has the same problem as the original post.
Who is the main character? Is it the townsfolk leader? What is a townsfolk leader? Is he or she a sherif? A mayer? Etc?
What is his or her flaw? What is the event that starts him or her off on a journey what is the inciting incident?
News of the monster returning is not a visual or significant enough an event to suffice perhaps make the monster appear in town or better yet kill again.
Other wise the logline is too long and contains too many details that are unrelated to the plot.
Hope this helps.
What happens when the murderer arrives in town? What do we see?
The latest draft of the logline has the same problem as the original post.
Who is the main character? Is it the townsfolk leader? What is a townsfolk leader? Is he or she a sherif? A mayer? Etc?
A) He is the head of a powerful family in the quaint town.
What is his or her flaw? He and the townsfolk witnessed the original slaying and could not stop the monster twenty years ago, who was eventually arrested, though vowed to return to destroy them all.
What is the event that starts him or her off on a journey what is the inciting incident?
B) News about the release of the monster, who is making his way to town. As he approaches he causes destruction to their friends and relatives in neighbouring towns.
News of the monster returning is not a visual or significant enough an event to suffice perhaps make the monster appear in town or better yet kill again.
Other wise the logline is too long and contains too many details that are unrelated to the plot.
Hope this helps.
C) The slow and painful wait as the monster arrives builds on the tension. Further news that he is causing mayhem as he approaches puts them more in fear.
D) The climactic ending is that he does arrive into the town and some of the townsfolk try to stop him whilst others hide in fear. A final shootout occurs.
If he’s a “monster”, how come’s he’s released? It would be more credible and a credit to his character (as a “monster”) if he escaped. It would enhance his reputation as a malevolent and unstoppable force.
Is this a person or an actual monster? You’ve said “monster” so many times I’m picturing Henry J Waternoose barreling down main street…
I mentioned monster once plus he was jailed so I think it’s pretty clear he is a man, though call him a monster for the crime he was convicted for. Hope that explains it to you better.
Here’s another rewrite:
‘A brooding convicted killer sets off to a town, seeking vengeance against those responsible for putting him away years ago, with news of this the fearful townsfolk turn to their unyielding clan leader who takes drastic action to protect them and stop their old nemesis.’
Needs a protagonist with a personal stake in stopping or escaping the monster.
Another rewrite:
‘A brave clan leader of a quaint town must face off with his nemesis, a brooding convicted killer out to settle an old score, in a fight til death.’
If you wanted to explore it a bit more here’s a couple of similar premises but with different main protaganists, Redhill – the MC is a rookie policeman waiting for the escapee to show up (or something like that) and And God Said to Cain – the MC is the character returning to the town. You can have a movie about a town ‘waiting’. In fact God Said to Cain is just that and is intense as hell. It is a Western directed like a horror movie.
Thanks Clint Cure, you’re right and that is a similar premise to this story i.e. people of a small town fearfully wait for the the killer who is to returning to punish the people who put him away. They turn to a powerful figure in their community to stop their old nemesis.
I’m finding it difficult the get the right logline.
I think the difficulty in the structure of a logline for this concept lies in a lack of appropriate motivation and descriptions for the MC.
When I read “…clan leader…” I thought this is set amongst native Americans in ancient times or cave people but it actually is a modern day story. Why clan? Can he not just be the local law officer that actually swore to protect the town? Who may have actually put the bad guy in jail in the first place? Perhaps a local lawyer who had him put in jail for many years? Etc…
Secondly as Nick mentioned there appear to be no personal stakes for the MC. Look at Cape Fear similar premise the MC must protect his daughter and wife it is not just a professional motivation for him.
Describing the MC as “…brave…” is again a generic description because all MC must at some point to some degree “be brave” to take on the challenge of achieving their goal. What is his character flaw? What will be his inner journey?
“…News about the release of the monster…” is a weak inciting incident as it is not a distinctly visual event that can occur to the MC perhaps he discovers the mutilated body of a person he cares about this wold be powerful enough to motivate the MC to take action.
“…The slow and painful wait…” So High Noon basically. Not sure this wold work well now days though.
A suggestion not only of logline structure and detail but possible story elements:
“An inexperienced small-town deputy must protect his community from an escaped murderer seeking revenge on those who captured him.”
It will serve your story to make the protagonist an underdog. Stack the deck against him. Think of a reason the Sheriff can’t handle it, like maybe he retired, or died, or moved, and no one’s replaced him yet, or the main character is the inexperienced new Sheriff?lots of ways to set this up.
Why not a female Sheriff? A young woman in law enforcement no one thinks can handle herself, and she manages to defeat the big bad monster guy against all odds? That’s a compelling story. Maybe your script has these elements already, but the purpose of the logline is to present these elements as quickly, simply, and clearly as possible.