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alexmorenoPenpusher
Posted: June 30, 20132013-06-30T03:48:54+10:00 2013-06-30T03:48:54+10:00In: Public

When a soldier returns from an overseas deployment and finds that the family home has completely vanished, he sets out to find his home and to discover who he really is.

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    1. wilsondownunder Penpusher
      2013-06-30T15:54:53+10:00Added an answer on June 30, 2013 at 3:54 pm

      Was this the premise for a competition that was running a little while ago?

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    2. Tor Dollhouse
      2013-06-30T21:03:18+10:00Added an answer on June 30, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      It is also a story concept from “Save the Cat”.

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    3. Richiev Singularity
      2013-07-01T08:09:16+10:00Added an answer on July 1, 2013 at 8:09 am

      There’s some interesting cuts to shorten this without changing the meaning.
      —–
      “When a soldier returns from an overseas deployment…”
      “When a soldier returns from deployment”
      (Deployment implies overseas, so overseas isn’t needed)
      —–
      “And finds that the family home has completely vanished…”
      “And finds his family home has vanished…”
      (One thing I find in my first drafts; overuse of the word ‘that’. Many times it can be cut)
      {I used alt-f to find “That” and go through my entire screenplay, I also use alt-f for the word “is” as well}
      (Also, you don’t need to say ‘completely vanished’, since ‘vanished’ means the same thing)
      —–
      “He sets out to find his home and to discover who he really is.”
      “He sets out to find his home and possibly himself.”
      (This one is more a matter of taste, not really an edit, I might even use the word Journey even though it has a few more letters)
      “He journeys to find his home and possibly himself”
      —–
      Anyway; hopefully you can see how I made those cuts and why. Loglines are great practice for script editing. If you can cut a logline to 25 words, you can cut unnecessary words in a script as well.

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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    4. alexmoreno Penpusher
      2013-07-01T11:10:54+10:00Added an answer on July 1, 2013 at 11:10 am

      R
      Cheers! Yes, I agree with being lean with the words. Great job…
      AM

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    5. Andrew Bates Logliner
      2013-07-01T12:09:45+10:00Added an answer on July 1, 2013 at 12:09 pm

      Hi alexmoreno

      Does the soldier have a flaw/weakness? Something to overcome? (apart from finding his family)
      e.g did he finish his tour or was he sent home on leave or discharged (reason behind self discovery?)

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    6. 2013-07-01T20:55:31+10:00Added an answer on July 1, 2013 at 8:55 pm

      Hi all, yes this was a competition and we entered it. YOu had to come up with the first 15 pages. We may get back into it. I’d love to see what you do with it Alex. Good luck.

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